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Nov. 23rd, 2009 @ 01:25 pm (no subject)
I sometimes (often) wish that I hadn't told a soul about this illness of mine. It's so tiresom, having to explain and my explanations leads to peoples anger and sadness and other emotions and I can't handle.

Right now I am off any sort of medications and it scares me, mainly because I feel so unstable, and I feel as if a tiny bump will just push me off the edge, and so what do I do. I lay down on my bed, and cover my head with my blanket (which is in terrible need of being washed by the way) and I just hide, but my head isn't hiding, my head is going round and round and round and round and I can't stop my head from doing that, no matter what kind of breathing exercises I try or thought exercises, it just goes on.

I am not complaining that my mother have helped me this time around, it has helped me keep my house semi-clean and maybe me too, also it has felt good in a way not to be as lonely as I always am during my depression spells. But her being there, also has shown me just how lonely I really am. People don't call me, or text me, or just casually drop by. Never ever. And thats not just during my depressions, thats always. My friends are super busy people who often live far away.
And then I have a few friends here in town, who are super busy and who might as well live far away.
This summer, during my depression then, I tried to reach out to someone here, and it just didn't work at all. Super busy, sorry, maybe we can talk next week.... and then nothing.

So I got basically no real friends, or real friends to rely on in bad times or good times. I got two peices of family, my mum and my neice, whom I can't stand when I am depressed, she is so awfully cheerful and think that just her smile will perk me up and get me back to normal. Sorry, I know I am dissapointing to you. Always. Because it doesn't pick me up.

I am just one of those lonely people. And it hurts hurts hurts.
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baby me
Nov. 21st, 2009 @ 01:25 pm (no subject)
So much has happened, I can't write it all down here, too many words, but one thing was that the doctors highered the doses of my lithium to break the depression spell that I was under, and it did work a little bit, but it also managed to poison me. So after a week and a half of constant puking and the other thing that I can't spell, I am now over the worst, but totally taken off any meds for the weekend, which scares me to death, because I can't cope with another spell of depression. I think if I go down one more time, I just give up. It's not a cry for help, and I am not saying it because of any drama, or attention seeking, it's just the way it is. My mind is pretty clear right now, and I can see how I can't do it again. The depressions are so severe, so harsh.


But what I was going to say now was that I am reading again. I haven't read a book in six or seven weeks. Thats just unheard of. I read a book a day normally, have done all my life. Apart from when I get ill in my head.
Now I am reading again.

Monday I am getting a med to try out, but it's one of those short usage meds, and it's so expensive so my doctor took it upon himself to find me seven to try out before giving me a prescription.

I was ready to eat lithium for the rest of my life, anything to make this illness easier to live with. Me, who don't even take head ache pills, or any pills at all, I hate taking meds and pills...I was ready to take six pills a day just to feel a bit better.

And now what? I am really worried about this, what now?

ps, lithium poisoning isn't very normal, don't be scared of lithium if you're a reader who are considering taking this med, it's probably the best med there is out there and it's cheap and well, useful.
About this Entry
baby me
Nov. 2nd, 2009 @ 04:19 pm (no subject)
anger is part of it, as is tears, self pitty, etc etc etc

I've been to see a doctor, finally with the help of my mom, I got back to the normal clinic and got a long talk with my shrink and a doctor, and what I have is called rapid cycling and yes, it might well be described as hell on earth (by me and by others who have it) and hopefully it will calm down now, I am going to take some added pills to my lithium.
It's all down to the triggers in life and right now there has been plenty triggers and almost nothing good.

I talked them out to admitting me, to tell you the truth, they understand. I am a person who at my well times actually have a job and I support myself and Liam and I do things the normal way, but in the hospital ...there are just nutcases,they scare me half to death and I can not sleep without heavy sedation and during the days you kinda just need to sit and watch yourself just so that you can stay clear of the nutters, and the doors are locked, like in prison. IT's not a healthy place, not for anyone.

so I got times to go to see them again on thursday. I will get to keep going there in addition to going to the other place. it's called emotional blackmailing I guess, but I don't care right now.

I am so tired, tired to the bones, but I wanted to let you guys know. thank you for support.
About this Entry
baby me
Nov. 2nd, 2009 @ 09:36 am (no subject)
You all think it's so easy, just ask for help, take your meds, call the help place.

Well, friday noon my shrink calls me up and tells me that I've been reffered to another unit. Just like that. So she, and my doctor and my psyciatrist that has been treating me for the last six months when I "finally" asked for help, well they went up in smoke.

She had told me, that I was hypomanic and was going to come down and be careful over the weekend. She said that this new unit/team was going to contact me and maybe even come over and see to me.

I have always hated having people over, any builder, painter, fixer, has been a real scare for me, I don't know why but having this shrink team coming over and assess me and everything that I am made me terrified and I fell deep in to a hole friday night, when I started to clean. I cleaned until four am, then took a break and then cleaned some more. All the time I was thinking about my new washing machine which don't work as it's not connected. The electricity is connected but not the water. My neice and her boyfriend has promised to do it, as they are good at those things, but as it turns out, it was just small talk. However, they did take the hose-things with them home so I could not try to get it sorted out myself either.
So, my work-mate Stina calls on saturday or talk to me via the only possible way these days, facebook, and tells me that her fella can sort it out, if I just get the hose-things. So my neice pops over with them, made up to her toes in makeup and fancy clothes, she is excited, and I can see it but I don't feel happy about it. I just feel that I despise her for these three weeks of telling me they'll do something that they wont. they are living such a happy funny and very wealthy life. I suddenly hate her.
I have not eaten in a while, as my tummy has been bad from some of my meds, it's nothing I WISH for, but my stomach don't deal with the meds they give me and I do try to take them and then spend a day or two in my bathroom. but I was hungry and felt like shit.
Then Stina turns up, my work-mate, totally made up, beautiful dress, super much makeup, and tell me she is going to a party in an hour, but she will try to fix my machine first. I look around for her fella, but he is not mentioned. Now she is as good as me doing machines up, and if she can do it, then so can I. So I sat down and looked at her, hoping her dress would get dirty, although my house is so fucking clean as I fear for those shrink peoples views on me and I can see how they'll take Liam away from me.

So she leaves, she also leaves me flowers. And my machine is still as unfixed. I'd rather have her not come at all, it was such hard work pretending to be happy when she was here.

Saturday night, I am thinking, if I don't feel better by tomorrow and if they've still not called me, I just make do with life and kill myself.

So, quite nicely I went to sleep.

I woke up at 5 and got up, still no call from those people. I decided to start getting ready, but I slept a few more hours first, so it got quite late when I was ready to actually go out. I have always wanted to be warm when I die, so I dressed in winter clothes.
I went out and handed in the old bottles and stuff, didn't want Liam to have to do that for us. I also got him some drinks. I called him and he told me he want to stay with his dad another week. Thats fine. I told him I love him, and hang up.

And then I went to the big street, where the big fast cars go. Did I thnk to feel sorry for them? No.
Did I feel guilty for anyone else but myself. No.
Did I see any other way out. No.

You can guiltiefy me as much as you like. I have my own guilt to bear, I don't need yours too.

I stood for maybe half an hour. Looking for the right truck or car. And I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried because life is just THIS shitty. I have no one to turn to anymore and my team of shrinks do no longer want to work on me, I have no one to call.

So I returned home and called my mom. ANd this is where MY shame is. I've used my mom to help me, she is 73 years old she don't need this, a 41 year old daughter acting like 3. But in the same time, I can not help it. I just can't help it. I cry to my mom. Thats what I do.
I call the help number too, but they have nothing to say to me.
And eventually, around 8 pm, I call this number my mom had found for me, for my "new" team. I talked to a lady, who did not listen to me at all. She was trying to get her computer to work, and then she dropped things, and talked about how tired she was. I said, my mom talked to this man, Jonas, and she said, oh right, what did you talk about, and I said, how I have spent the afternoon trying to kill myself. and she goes, oh right, so what was your personal number? And I give the number to her, stupified, and I ask her, don't you want to know how I am doing now? ANd she said, no, not really, not before we get the right papers up. So she put me on hold, and during that time, my mobile phone went out of cash and turned itself off. I waited for an hour, but she never called back.

Today my mom has been talking to someone at this "new" place, and they don't know what to do either.

So hows that for help? 

The next person who tells me to get help, please tell me where and how?

THe next person who want to tell me that I should feel guilty, go fuck yourself.

The next person who tell me that I haven't done everything by the fucking book, well I have. I have done EXACTLY what I've been told.

The next person who think that I am writing this just to get attention - well don't give me any. I don't want your attention if you think that is why I am writing this.

I am writing this because I have NO WHERE TO GO. I have NO ONE to tell apart from my mom who is already doing so much that I am scared she will die before time. My mum deserve better than me, I know this, but I am me.

I am thinking that them telling me that I am bipolar was wrong, because the meds don't help me.

I am thinking that nothing works and I wish more than anything that I was brave enough to die by my own hand, but I hate blood. And I hate those pills, although I have enough pills to die from, I dono't want Liam to find me.
I can jump from my balcony but I am a bit scared of heights.

And I really really like the feeling I get when I think of walking in to a train, or a tube, or a bus, or a lorry. That big smash and nothing.
About this Entry
baby me
Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 06:37 pm (no subject)
after a terrible weekend, really terrible, I decided to just end it all.

In the media lately it's been quite a lot about people who can't shut down their deciecesed ones facebooks etc, so I did that for my "loved" ones.

I also cleaned up at home, took out the garbage, cleared out the fridge, called Liam a last time just to hear his voice, he wants to stay at his dads house for a while, so that was easy

I then went outside for the first time since thursday or wednesday. I really truly hate my life. I have no joy left for my friends who get married, give births, go on holidays etc etc.

I took the garbage out. I don't want anyone to find a smelly flat.

Unfortunatly I still haven't gotten anyone sorting my new washing machine out, seem to hard to say no and so I haven't actulalyly paid someoneo to do it, but instead waiting and waiting. no luck.


so, I got dressed. I have always thought that I want to die warm, so I got quite a lot of clothes on. And then I stepped out. right next to my street is a more busy street, with bigger cars and maybe even trucks. I wanted to find a truck or a bus, I can feel how good it will feel against my body, that impact and how the breath just stops happening and then how things just go so fast and then it's nothing.

But I failed. Even this in life, I failed. I fail and i fail and I fail. Even at death.

I have spoken to my mom and i have spoken to my friend D but I got no body else to talk to. those two are it. It takes a certain type of person who can hear you cry for hour after hour without going "chin up" etc. So I got those two people and I feel so ashamed to call my mom who is 73 years old, and worry her lilke this. And D, whom I never seen in real life.
But in reality, i got no one else.

And I juts want to die so much.
About this Entry
baby me
Oct. 12th, 2009 @ 11:15 pm (no subject)
It's been a really really bad week this last one.

It has ended with me spending yet another day at the psych-ward, and going home with even more pills. I've not slept since friday morning, until this afternoon when I slept for a full hour, which was very strange.

Now I am sitting waiting for the sleeping pill to do anything, I've been waiting for over an hour now. considering taking another one.

I am on sick leave.

The doctors call it a manic episode with something that I can't translate.  I am on diazepams for relaxing, but it don't do much.

I have almost left my job. I have been so angry, I can't begin to describe. I am not sure if I am less angry or if it's the pills.

So so so very tired, but also glad that I now have people who help me, or try to help me, who I call up and I get to come in and I get to call them every day and they don't shy away from me but instead they know what it is that I am going through and help me.

I am sitting here stairing at the little plastic jar of valiums. I want to take another one now. Not sure how many I can take before they actually do anything.

I've not often been this manic, yes a bit hyper and a bit over the top and quite often my sleeping stops, but full on manic not so often.

Slightest bit of word makes me angry.

Liam is supposed to come home today, I called him at nine, told him whats going on, and that I am trying to sleep so be quiet when he comes home, didn't mean that he could come home this last though on a school night. Went in to check his report card thing, and turns out he hasn't been to school today, all red red red on the classes. red can mean good things, but in school worlds it usulaly mean that the kid didn't show up, or something bad.

I got such a tooth ache, it's so painful, I need to go see a dentist, this is not fun.

I've written a thousand letters this weekend, to anyone, all in swedish. (mostly) I've written my own private journal and in just paper and pen and in the swedish journal that I keep over at the bipolar place (it sure sucks) 

My friend D told me today that I am ..hmm, never mind, forgot the word, it's got to do with being addicted to writing though. grafsomething

I just can't stop, it's the only way the thoughts don't go missing, but stays somehow.

Where is Liam? It pisses me off when he is trying to be secrative, because I am trying so hard to be open to him, but he think it's a one way street, that kids are entitled to have more secrets, but I don't agree at all, not right now anywya, don't think I can sleep until he is home, or take another pill at least.

if I don't quit my job, they will fire me.

I've made a true mess of things.
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baby me
Sep. 17th, 2009 @ 11:10 am (no subject)
So, yesterday I was at a bipolar group education thing. The psyciatric care offer that once a term, a course of 7 times, in the same group with lectures on the illness itself, on cures, medication etc...

I had been dreading it a bit, but as it turned out, the one and a half hour went by so fast.

I am still very unwell though, I wonder when I will start feeling better. I am tired all the time, heavy tired, you know when your body and head just feel like it weighs even more than it does. 1000 times more. I am sad a lot, although not as hopelesslely and endlessly sad that you guys are used to hearing about. Just sad that my life has gone to shits because of all this.

Sad of all the things I've done to people, things I've said and done. I have been completely unable to be a good friend because I've never managed to stick around, my depressions have just swooped me off my feet at the most unforseen moments. Or my little manic spells have turned me in to a selfish crazy person who have no time for closeness, just go go go.

I see a lot of things now, that I wish I had seen 20 years ago.

I also realise that I am not alone in this, yesterday I was sat with 10 other people who have been going through similar things. It was sort of amazing to meet them, although of course we hardly spoke to each other, it being the first time...but one of the people spoke up and said, "god, I've been so alone".

And I guess, going to the shrinks etc, yeah that helps in a small way, but they don't get it, how can they?

Anyway, I wonder if I will ever be able to just have normality. I long for it, a balance in my emotional life, where nothing is so extremely exaggerated anymore. All the emotions that I have, are always so big, and I want them to be small and for them to feel right.

Not sure if this makes any sense and I am absolutely sure that it's getting boring to everyone apart from myself, who is discovering so many things.

I just wish I could tell ya, that yeah I am getting treatment and meds, so therefor it is okay now. But it really isn't.
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baby me
Aug. 31st, 2009 @ 07:28 am (no subject)
too sick today to get to work. no sleep during the night, just awful thoughts on big insects sticking to my forhead.

nothing sounds really bad during the day when it comes to insects but during the darkness and loneliness those insects always taunts me. same with rats, although a million times worse.

I am not at the rat stage yet.

I will fight this.

I called in to work, and the best thing is that the woman who answers the sick calls at work has turned in to be one of the best friends and most important people in my life. That makes it so much easier. She also understands why I don't call in sick, but call in to switch days around, so that I don't have to suffer from having even less money. Thats just another stresser.

I feel fucking terrible, will read some now so that maybe I can sleep. I've found the perfect boring book, it's so boring that it's got to put me to sleep.

Kate B - I love you.
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baby me
Aug. 30th, 2009 @ 08:50 pm (no subject)
I feel terrible

I am not sure at this moment if the whole "going out to get help" thing that I've done is helpful at all. When I am feeling this sad and low, I do know that its the illness speaking to me, which is a plus. It is easier to deal with the dread and the sadness when I know it's an illness, than that it's real sadness over issues.
But I also know that there are only two ways I can get help: 1. more meds, which will eventually zombiefie me and stop me working for example.  and 2. put myself in to hospital and once there lay in a hospital bed instead of laying in my own bed. Well, I rather lay in my own bed.

I am on quite a lot of lithium but unfortunatly it doesn't work as well as I had hoped, because of my tummy which is very bad. The shrink keep insisting that I am forgetting to take my pills, but I really am not. Taking pills is one of my worst things in life, and I am forcing myself to take them two times a day, when my mobile rings PILLLLLLS. I would know if I hadn't taken them once, because my guilt would be terrible. I am doing this not only for me, but for Liam too.

So, sadly, I have to be whinging bitch for a longer time yet, and live with these highs and lows, and although I keep thinking that I want to die die die die die right now, I know that I am not going through with it, I am actually telling myself pretty much every minute that it's only thoughts, nothing that I will actually do.

I go to bed and I sleep a lot, just to wait for life to get on with it, and thats depressing too, but I have no energy for anything else, and sleep is my self medication method. I don't do drugs or drink and it's been a very long time since I have had anyone who wanted sex with me, so...
sleep it is.
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baby me
Aug. 30th, 2009 @ 10:49 am (no subject)
OH GOD I should not had let anyone in my family be on my fucking facebook. I feel soooo caged in

no matter that I am also falling down so fast in to a depression right now, I feel it all over my body and I hate hate hate it

but my mum commenting everything that I write in there is just nervewrecking.

I can't think of something I rather not have.
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baby me
Aug. 27th, 2009 @ 02:46 pm (no subject)
I just got in to lots of trouble in a bipolar forum...by posting negative things, or rather, just critisicing the book "the secret" 

Oh that book scares the living daylight out of me.

It's like in a sci-fi movie, when someone looks at something for a while and turn in to a zombie. People seem to look at that film/read that book, and then start to preach and they just never stop.


And now everybody is mad at me in there. Oh well, fuck it. One of the admins told me in a comment in that post that I did, that I better "fake it til I make it" in my posts from now on. She didn't add the "or else"  but oh damn it was there.

I will fnd some other forum to hang out in from now on, they totally scare me with that cult-like behaviour! 

*shrugs* 
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baby me
Aug. 27th, 2009 @ 09:02 am NĂ¥gon typ av rasism...

(utan att det handlar om hudfärg)

 

Här om dagen satt jag på bussen på väg till jobbet, då jag hör ett får bräääka, högt högt så att alla runt omkring i bussen vänder huvudet mot ljudet, och ser, jasså, bara ännu en amerikan ...Han satt och pratade i sin mobil, på engelska naturligtvis och ingen annan i bussen kunde föra en konversation utan att skrika.

 

En annan dag, samma busslinje; en kvinna kommer på bussen med sin barnvagn, hon har en vän med sig, de pratar extremt högt på amerikansk engelska. Folk tittar, och en del ler stort, amerikaner, de är ju speciella och kul, de är ju liksom som vi, fast mycket coolare. Första klassens invånare, högt uppe, ännu högre upp än vi svenskar som är ganska tråkiga ju. Här har vi reserverade svenskar som inte ler så lätt, som inte pratar med främmande om det inte är nödvändigt (eller om främlingen råkar vara amerikan eller engelsk..) Här har vi låsta och stela och fullpumpade svenskar med jantelagar så det rinner ut genom öronen.

 

Men åååå, en amerikan, de som är så fantastiska på att le och att älska alla de träffar på första ögonblicket...Moder och Fader med säkert, till positiva klubben och mindfullness. I amerika, där har de Dr.Phill som hjälper alla stackars amerikaner som har svårt att inte fortsätta vara positiva och leende. Då säger han till på skarpen, att NU är det dags att låtsas le så blir du säkert glad. Här lilla gubben/gumman, har du ett plåster, inget slickande på såren nu, bara Le.

 

Och i amerika, där har de också författare som skriver böcker som "There is a better way to sell" som handlar just om detta, att sälja. Och när man som amerikan försöker sälja något, så gör man det med hela sin själ. Genom sina vackra leenden som inte är falska, nej nej, äkta härliga leenden, för alla i amerika är glada.

Vi har också författare som skriver böcker som "Hemligheten" som är, mer eller mindre, byggd på samma koncept. Positivt tänkande säljer. Du tänker dig till att må bra, att få mer betalt, att få behålla din vacklande familj och dina vänner. Allt genom att du tänker på positiva sätt. De människor som anammar dessa tankar, blir som små mini-scientologer som mässar och sjunger den positiva andans lovsång. I boken (och i filmen som är på en fruktansvärd bräkande engelska) beskrivs till exempel "attraktionens lagar" vilket ju inte är en lag överhuvudtaget. Den finns inte. Mycket beskrivs i boken som sanningar och som fakta, men detta är naturligtvis inte rätt. Det är en kvasipsykologisk bok utan någon typ av fakta eller empirisk data bakom sig.

 

I vissa sekter runt värden talar man om att sjukdomar och annat elände, kanske manodepressivitet t ex., är Guds straff, så man, som medlem, ser till att inte bli sjuk, eller så låtsas man att man inte har ont, inte är ledsen...och på det sättet är ju alla till sist genomfriska och mår lukrativa fantastiska liv. Eller?

 

 

Tja, jag personligen är extremt skeptisk. Jag är dessutom livrädd för vad den amerikanska tanken gör mot oss individer, och när jag läser om sånt här dravel, så känner jag ändå små stick i mitt hjärta, för jag är inte kapabel att lyfta mig från mina depressioner utan en massa medicin och en hel del hjälp. Jag klarar inte av att tänka mig frisk. Att bli positiv och se på de små tingen med störa barnaögon och tänka å vad världen då ändå är fantastisk. Nej, det krävs lite mer för dessa tankar. Det krävs enormt mycket kärlek innan jag talar om för en person att jag älskar den. För jag tror på djupa känslor. Och jag tror inte att man kan vara bipolär och samtidigt kunna amerikanisera sig själv till att bli "frisk".

 

Jag vet att inte alla amerikaner är på det där sättet, jag har levt i USA något år som ung och sett att det ju finns en del annat folk också. Men om man är uppfostrad i ett samhälle med en viss kultur, så blir man ju lätt smittad, precis som jag är ganska svensk, jag har det där tunga svenska sättet att möta människor, och det andra som är mer positivt, det lojala och det trevliga.

 

Men jag är ändå en stor amerikarasist, det inser jag speciellt mycket när jag läser bloggarna här i bipolarna.se, och de kommentarer som ges och fås.

 

Nej, tack för kaffet, nu har jag sagt det här, och jag menar inget illa, men det är min lilla input i positiva tänkandets värld. Jag vill helst slippa väckelserörelsen!

About this Entry
baby me
Aug. 20th, 2009 @ 09:40 am fuck fuck fuck fuck
I am at home, done my work for this week and now I am off....to sit here in the soffa feeling crap. Yay me. Both me and Liam have a cold, although his is much worse. Today is the first day of term for him though so he went, looking so bad, like a corpse coming back from holidays! I can't belive how pale he is, and he is coughing more than breathing at the moment. Yuck.

Me, I have been so proud of myself for taking my pills perfectly on the spot at 9 am and then again at 9 pm but now my shrink just called and questioned this, saying my lithium values goes up and down a lot, and I guess she is wondering what I am doing wrong. Well, my tummy is crap, so I've probably puked up the pills a lot, and probably this is the reason to why I am still like a fucking yo-yo in my moods...just been on a couple of weeks of  "up". Now people think that "up" means that I am happy, but it got very little to to with happiness, just a restlessness, of feeling lighter in my body (than when I am "down") and a hard time focusing the thoughts, plus of course, a hard time sleeping. I will fall asleep, because I force myself to go to bed, and then I'll wake up half an hour later, thinking it is time to get up, and it just goes on.

But now my shrink says she'll find some other med for me that works better together with my stomach problems. Probably even bigger pills...:( I hate taking pills, and these days I am taking like 10 a day, it's just karma for all crappy things I've done I figure. My punishment for being an arse all these years.

I don't like myself much right now.
I am falling down as if I was standing on a roof top jumping down and I will feel even worse in a day.
Life is seriously pissing me off.

Last week was good, let me go back there please. Sweet please with sugar on top.
About this Entry
baby me
Aug. 13th, 2009 @ 09:00 pm Drugs

There is only one thing that I hate more than the drugs themselves, and thats people who try to make other people use them. If the other people are adults, and they're trying to push them on to young people, teen-agers or even younger people, then those people should be, in my never ever humble opinion, shot.

If an adult, who is also an old friend of yourself and your son, is sitting by a table, talking to a 16 year old and his mother, about how great drugs are, and that everyone should try heroine twice, and that LSD is a simply must -try.

Well, then that person will be out of my life as soon as possible, and for good.

This happened this summer, and I am still fuming EVERY day. I told said person off, of course I did. This person shut me up by telling me that my child need to have a positive input on drugs, and not just my single minded "drugs are bad" view. Doing this, and trying to get my sons approval, and of course he will get that, as a teenager take every opportunity to disagree with a parent. At this moment, I wanted to leave, or kick that persons face in so hard. But having a 16-year old is sensetive business, anyone who has ever had a teen to raise, knows this to be the truth, so you have to step very carefully, which meant that I retracted my views, and  put up with the said adult for a few hours, and then left with a drug - curious teenager on my hands, but with one arse-hole less in our life.

I have not spoken with this person afterwards, I just can't. I am too angry. He keep ringing and trying in other ways to contact me, as if nothing has happened, and thats even more scary, because for him, nothing at all has happened, for him it's perfectly OKAY to tell your friends teenage son to go out and do drugs, the more the merrier. Well fuck him.

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baby me
Jul. 27th, 2009 @ 06:57 am (no subject)
depressions is like having a gang of swords cutting up the body over and over again. worst type of torture. and there is nothing to do to stop it. I used to try  to figure out why I was feeling so shit, so worthless and so much like jumping in front of a train but at least I stopped that now, thats the best part of being diagnosed. I don't have to look for reasons anymore. I can hate myself in peace, so to speak.

I wonder what others really think of me though, these people who never call. Do they not call because they're too busy living their lives, or are they thinking that they'll call "later", or don't they think of calling at all..? Or maybe they hate me as much as I hate me.

I'll never know I guess.

I wish I was too busy, then I had that excuse, but instead ...I am just in depression land where I just can't.

And now, I am going back to work. In a way it's good, in a way I don't know if I will be of any use at all there, but at least I can go there and sit through the day. I'll be on the computer there, just as home, and the kids don't start until mid august, and the teachers start the 12th of august, so it will be super non-busy.

see you later
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baby me
Jul. 24th, 2009 @ 09:57 am (no subject)
a doctor from the psyciatric place finally called me just now, and told me to take more pills. wow, two weeks of torture, and she calls me up and says, oh just take a few more pills woman.

two weeks of my holiday, oh well.

I decided the other day, that I am going to beg, steal or whatever it takes, to get some money together for a holiday for me and Liam this autumn. There are charitys for people like me, single moms who can not work full time due to mental iillness. oh yay. So I will apply for money to charitys.

Me and Liam have NEVER been on a holiday where we stay in a hotel/rented flat in a place of sunshine and ocean and pool. I want that for us so much. I am going to make it happen. And I worked quite a lot extra last year, so I got a few weeks to take out. So thats what I will do. If anyone have any ideas on how I can get money together, please let me know! 

Today I will leave my house. Yesterday I woke up, feeling a bit better, so I rang an old friend up, and arranged that I'd come out to her little summer house over the day. Today I regret that but I will make sure to go anyway. On monday I start to work, I need to have met at least ONE person before then.

In exactly a week, E, J and all their babies are coming here. I am nervous, because I am so out of touch with the world, and so weirded out by this depression thing. But I am more looking forward to it. Like mad. I hope the weather gets better, it's cold out now.
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baby me
Jul. 22nd, 2009 @ 09:49 am (no subject)
apart from going to the store a few times, I haven't been outside my door for over two weeks. I am desperatly lonely, so much so that I actually called the psyciatric hotline a few times, but I got absolutely nothing out of that. Everybody like my shrink etc, are on holiday, there is no one to reach.
This is the summer of despair.

I am hating myself for it.
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baby me
Jul. 13th, 2009 @ 01:03 pm (no subject)
I think I sort of gave up on life a very long time ago. I mean, all the things I used to find so much fun, like going out clubbing, sit in pubs and banter with all the other pub-goers, all that is just gone out of my life. I think I'd still would enjoy it, but it's like I don't have the guts to go out there alone anymore, and really, I have no one to go with.

It used to be that people would call me up and say, hey, lets go out! and it would keep my depression at bay.

These days, if anyone call at all, the conversation goes like: Hey, Marianne, there is this awesome party....can you please baby-sit for me/us so that I/we can go. I usually assume it is because I am so ugly/boring/fat, and in a way I understand all those people who don't want to go anywhere with me, but I am starting to feel really bitter.

Bitter about life and how it turned out. I had the same opportunities as most people I figure. I could had been liked in school as little (but I wasn't) and I could had a lot of stuff, but I didn't.

I just gave up, like with guys and sex and all sort of fun, I just gave up on it because it's just not for me I guess.

So I sit here at home, waiting for life to pass me by, and I hope it will be quicker rather than a slow going thing. I really do hope it will be quick.

ps, ellen and jem if you happen by this journal - no, it is NOT about you two going out. This is an on-going thing in my life and it is NOT your responsibility. It's not as if I suggest anything is it.
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baby me
Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 01:48 pm (no subject)
feel a bit better after I got a visit from my neice and her daugther and boyfriend. I am really terrible at calling people or going around to people instead I just isolate myself and it was lovely that they came without being invited. swedish people rarely do that.
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baby me
Jul. 12th, 2009 @ 11:57 am (no subject)
if i don't feel any better by tomorrow, I got to do something about it, i.e call someone

this is bad bad bad, i just want to die again
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baby me

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