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Jul. 10th, 2009 @ 09:42 am (no subject)
spending the day in the hospital, it's a lot of tests and stuff, all kinda things that I have to do....it's a bother in some ways but today things aren't half as bad as I thought it would be. I've fasted since ten last night, I am not allowed any drink, not even water, and thats a bit of an annoyance, but I've found the hospital library and it is FULL of great books!! It's like going in to a candy store as little....or as it has been for me all my life, like going in to a library!! :) 
So, I am leaving with a tonne of books, but thats okay, I am coming back next week and the week after that etc...doing these tests take a lot of time, but no energy at all. It's quite relaxing and the staff is kind and thoughtful.
They also have computers here, in the library, that one can use for an hour or more, depending on how many people are here. I just have to hang around for more blood work after a certain amount of time. Today they poured some weird stuff down my nose!! It felt funny!! Also, every day since I got home from england, I've been away to hand my blood over to some nurse, so my arm is starting to look like a proper druggies arm. *shrugs* 

Anyway, it's been not so great to be home again. I am feeling very alone, and very un-liked, but so far not anywhere near as suicidal and horrible I've been before, so maybe the drugs are working and maybe eventually I will be a person who actually picks up the phone and calls friends up instead of sitting at home feeling right sorry for myself! Now talk about improvement! 

I miss Ellen as mad. She is this person whom I sometimes don't know if I deserve to have as my very closest friend. She is kind-hearted, generous, sweet and funny as hell. She also have this sharp thing, which I adore, when she just say something which makes you just jump out of your seat! 
She is sooo much nicer than me, in every way of the word. (nice) She has this amazing portion of patience, I can't belive where it comes from! She must have gotten my share too! Bad God!!! 

At least the rain has been pouring down like mad here, which is lovely as I don't have to feel so much as the freak (that I obviously am) for sitting in doors watching big brother...24/7 apart from the whole being in hospital thing.

Apperantly I am not getting sacked anyway. Thats always something. Although, I do need to ask my doctors for lenghty essays about me to send in to the försäkringskassa (where you get sick-pay etc from) because they are cutting me from getting sick pay, which I get each month and without it I am totally sold, my salary being way to low and well, it's not a whole lot, it doesn't even cover my rent, but I need that money. Badly. So I have to beg my doctors, not looking forward to it, got to do it though. :( 

Anyway, hope everybody is too busy for reading this shite! 
lots of love
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Jul. 6th, 2009 @ 08:47 pm (no subject)
so, time to go home again. we're leaving tomorrow...
fortunatly, e and j and the bebbies are coming over to sweden in a few weeks, so it's not a LONG farwell this time.

The time has gone by very fast but I've had some time to think, and not thinking like I often do, in a depressive manner, but in a real manner, where I have been true to what I actually want, so thats good.

one thing I really  need to start thinking about seriously is a change of job. I need to find a job which actually pay me a fair salary.

don't get me wrong, I actually do like my job a lot, but it's such a drag being this poor always I am fed up with it.

Also, I think I will clash with my boss at some point, never a good thing.

so, anyway, we're having dinner now and then I'll finish packing and sorting...I am such a messy person, I got stuff everywhere around the house and in the shed too! 
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Jun. 29th, 2009 @ 08:02 pm the time flyes....or is it flies?
I've been in england for a week already, man time goes fast!! 

I was wondering today, if I should be doing stuff...you know, go out clubbing, go to the pub, visit shops and look at all sort of english stuff, but Ellen calmed me down, I really have done all that stuff before. Well, I've never been clubbing in england, it's a bit weird, as I loved and perhaps still do love, that scene in sweden. I've never had anyone to go clubbing with in england really, jem and ellen go sometimes I know but in the old days when they still lived in london, they went to clubs that wouldn't do it for me, and now days when I am here, they want to go out without me! hehe, I mean, they want a babysitter more than a club-friend. Same with pubs really! I have no problem with that, it's ...well, it's not what I think about when I think about england anyway. But I usually like to go to pubs, but this summer I have some self confidence issues which makes public places more of torture than fun. Anyway, Liam gets here tomorrow and then I better shape up some. He doesn
t think that sitting in the house day in and day out is fun, so I will do stuff together with him.
Weirdly, this time, it's been a week and I've not really met anyone that I know apart from Ellen, Jem and the kids! Kinda strange, maybe people hate me these days? Or maybe they're busy or maybe it is due to the simple fact that I haven't moved one inch since I got here. I just sit around in the garden, forcing Ellen to play cards with me. It's all I want :) 

Life can be THAT simple. Just for a week or two, but really, it's heavenly.

and now, time to go.
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Jun. 14th, 2009 @ 05:36 pm (no subject)
one would had thought that life would feel better and easier now with all the drugs I am taking.

but today is just another shitty distusting day in my life.

I am angry and bitter.

Bitter and Angry.

And I hate myself.
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Jun. 11th, 2009 @ 08:25 pm (no subject)
I am probably very lucky with the people I've met in the psyciatric care here, I seem to be the only one out of all the people I have met online who are bipolar etc, here in sweden that is, who is getting a lot of ..you know, care. I get to see my shrink once or twice a week, I have numbers to call 24/7, I am meeting my doctor once a week just for a five minutes chat, etc...
I am doing lots of blood testing all the time, and thats a bother now that I am leaving town. A real bother...I am leaving monday night ot the countryside with my mom, it's the first time in a few years that I am going there just for a holiday, a relaxed holiday hopefully. My mom is calling the doctors office in the town next to it tomorrow morning to see if I can get my blood tested there, hopefully so, otherwise I will have to go home already hmm wednesday night, and I want to stay until monday the 22nd...on the 23 I am going for more blood tests and shrink/doctor. my shrink has written a letter to bring with me to england, which I going to on the 24th, she has also sent for a EU medical card for me to bring, she is scared that I'll get worse, but in actual fact, as I keep telling her, I always feel okay or good in england. Sometimes I get those sharp sensations of pain but mainly because that I am about to leave again.
Anyway, seems like I am getting a lot of care.
Still, therapy is not my thing, and we have agreed that after an initial period of time, until I know that my meds are going to do the trick for me (today I got the news that I have to up the meds, starting tomorrow morning..) I wont have to go to regular therapy, but merely when I feel that i need it, like if I suddenly decide to give up the drugs etc, then I have to go in. I will also get to go to this group education thing, which will be good I think. I just don't like that thing about sitting in a room with a shrink alone, I feel utterly stupid.

Tonight there was a work outing. Fifteen (15!!!!!!) people have been made reduntant, so not such a happy place, and I wsa going to go, but I just can't.
I am feeling down and sad, and even though I know it's chemicals in my brain, it still doesn't feel good. I HOPE that this sort of sadness will go away with the meds working properly, and already now it is making the sadness less horrible, but tonight it is there, and I can't go and pretend to be jolly, not even for those fifteen people.

I still have lots of doubts about the diagnosis, still got lots of questions, but my mom keep telling me to accept it, and today she told me that there is a lot of people in the family with the same diagnosis, not my generation but hers and older still. I told my doctor who said, oh that explains it, as if it does, but I don't know what will otherwise.

I am single minded as fuck lately, actually all I am thinking about is that i have to remember to take my meds at the right time and that I need to try to focus my mind on you know, just getting better. It's a big deal, a huge deal for me, I don't think I could understand what a big deal it would be. It's a whole life time of this though, of having constant ups and downs without any reason, and trying to not let it show to much to others, and isolating myself in my flat and feeling ashamed of talking ot people about it.
Now it pours out. I tell people all the time, I just let people see me as vulnerable. It's scary but it's a relief in the same time.
And yet I feel as a big idiot, and a big liar, for having this much care.

I have this feeling that someone will turn around and tell me that the doctors are all wrong, that I am normal and that I shouldn't think I am special in any way. (as if this diagnosis makes me special, but still..) The one person who would say that to me, havne't spoken to me in a while, then suddenly last week she called me on the phone, said she has some clothes she found in the cellar of her house, and if I wanted it, and I said yes, sure, thanks, but I didn't tell her anything about me, I know she always think she knows more and better than anyone else, if you say you have a cold, she will tell you that you don't, and thats that. But some people are just like that. And she used to be a very good friends for many years, so I can look past that usually, but not right now.

This is too new and scary and big, I can't let anyone shit on it, because I want the meds to work and me to go to the therapy and do all the things to make myself better. And if someone tells me that it's bullshit, I will maybe think it too, and spend the rest of my life in this misery that I've been living in for soooo many years.

anyway, boring stuff

but it's an update.

m
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Jun. 5th, 2009 @ 03:16 pm update...of some sort


the diagnosis, and the meds and the therapy I guess too, has all made me think so much about life, my life and others, about reactions and actions and about sadness and sorrow.
when do I ever know when feelings are real and right and when they are just infected by this illness...
I don't. Thats the true answer

my shrink told me the other day (I go twice a week at the moment) that I need to start thinking of myself as something very fragile, and each little word or bad nights sleep or whatnot, can make me break a little bit, and she says that for normal people they break too, a little bit, but they heal so fast, and I just don't.
I need to get some routines and thats hard work.
and I need to take my meds exactly at the tmes we've decided, at 9 am and at 9 pm.

Things happen all the time which makes me sad, I feel lonely and I would like to have people who support me in this, but right now there is no one who is up for the job, mainly because I haven't asked for it, I couldn't because it's hard...I do have one person who is trying his best, he is an old WoW friend, who also stood up for me in this latest guild drama that I had, the whole guild turned against me and I was asked to leave, and I did, I left and when I leave I really do leave, I did not want anymore contact with anyone of them, but they keep popping up on my msn, my skype, my mail, and today one of them just been telling me how pathetic I am and such a drama queen, and I say to him, well look, I got kicked out and then I just left, I haven't created any drama, I haven't even wanted any contact but they keep coming back for more. Makes me think that they're the sick ones, not me.

Also, I was speaking to my mom yesterday and she told me that my sister and her husband has been threatened by a neighbour of theirs, and they are really having a hard time, but my reaction to that was horrible, I feel bad for it now, but I felt such a joy, because karma is a bitch, and the way they treated me last summer when I needed them was so cruel, and now they can see how it feels like, and I am sure that they find it hard to spread around good vibes to the world, as they wanted me to do...

I know that I am not right in my head at the moment, if ever. I know it will take me some real hard work getting used to this new stuff, the meds and the thoughts of not knowing whats right or wrong anymore...but I will get there. I just had this feeling that it would be more direct, instead i am at home from work, feeling crap because of the side effects of the drugs, and I've said no to sleeping pills because I am SO scared that I will take them all at once. I still have no will to live

I still have no people. You know? I would like people to be here with me right now, I am feeling terribly alone.
I am thinking that when someone breaks a leg or so, people are there, helping out, but when its about whats insideyour head, it's just "see you later"...
and i know I am a moaning bitch and I can't fucking help it and i am sorry. okay?
 

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May. 28th, 2009 @ 09:52 am (no subject)
seems a bit as if everybody apart from me has seen it, I have spoken to a few people in my life and no one is even remotely surprised by the fact that I am now diagnosed and on lithium...

I thought it would be different, I thought people would go "What, you? But You're so normal, man!!"  but ...it feels a bit like that day when Sean told me that he was actually seeing Eva although we were still married and Eva was my best friend (or so I thought) ..I told people, and i was in such a shock, and no one else was even surprised. It pissed me of so badly then, how everybody had known and I didn't have a clue. Now as i look back, I was so in my own little world, already back then..but always hypo, always up in the air somewhere, my head spinning of everything in the world and then a big crash and i'd come down, but just for quick visits. I didn't bring Sean with me at all, it is not so surprising that he had to go with what was more "there" i guess, although fuck them. You don't do that.

And I am not sure if I am cool about all these people telling me how they've known for years and years, but no one has actually come to me to tell me that i need to get on some meds or something.

Anyway, single minded, me? Yes, sorry. It will pass, right now I am just so wrapped around this.
I am getting a few minor side effects from the meds so far, but nothing I can't handle. I hope it wont get worse than this. I hope my mood will lift and that it will all be worth it.
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May. 26th, 2009 @ 08:37 pm Lithium at last!
Finally, after so much blood-testing and ekg's and whatnot, three big talks to med doctors, shrinks and psyciatrists, I finally got my lithium and today i started on it. I am hoping it will work for me.
I've had so much doubt lately, every second I've been thinking, oh, I don't have bipolar illness, and every next second, but yes I do.

yesterday I asked one of my bosses at work to talk to me and I told her about it. about me starting lithium and how it might effect me. not sure that it was a smart thing to do, but at the time it felt right

and today i told jeanette, who is my oldest friend (not oldest, but the one I've known the longest) we've been friends since we were 5 years old..
I told her about being mentally ill - she told me that she is having her third child. Man I wish I was her!!

Anyway, so right now, all in my life and my head is about this ilness. I'ts a huge deal for me, to have a name on it, to know what the fuck is wrong with me, to know that no, I am not just a whiny moany bitch who sits at home without a clue, that I might get to have a life again, or maybe at least half a life. I've been so tired of me, been so close to jumping the tracks at the tubestation too many times during the last six or seven years, that it's quite a miracle that i am still here, to pester everyone around me.

jeanette told me something interesting that i hadn't thought of, how before this last strech of years, I was up almost always. I lived life in high speed, onwards and forwards, I was often totally manic and I just loved it. When she told me, I felt a bit dumb at first and then i realised that it is true. I jumped from job to job, country to country, I used up all friends and all people around me, i shagged anyone and anything, I lived in my own head totally, without a care for anyone else that I messed up, of course by the time I was married and had a kid, and in a way that stopped me a bit, but I found other things to be manic about with them around. My husband used to HATE me when I was nutty in town, when I was so loud and when I danced around on the streets, for a few years, i believed that I was a ballerina when I was my highest, and I used to dance ballet out anywhere and everywhere, crazy nutty me, and he hated it, and asked me to stop and I could not see what it was that he wanted me to stop with, it was just what i did.
it is all coming clear to me now, all of it, the more people I talk to and listen to who have the same illness, that it's been a life pattern, since I was in my teens and my shrink and doctors are telling me that they're so amazed that I've managed on my own until now, until I am 40...but really, I think I've hurt enough people and I've hurt myself enough to last a few life times, and I wish I had gotten help sooner, or rather, that I'd accepted help
anyway, as I am sure you're all bored of hearing about this, I will go back and write in my bipolar blog more instead...

love to you all! 
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May. 21st, 2009 @ 06:05 pm (no subject)
I am thinking that Klaus probably got a new gf already, a guy like him, a family man..he wont stay single for more than a month or two. At the very most. I am thinking that perhaps he had already found someone else when he still kept telling me he loved me.

i know these thoughts are unhealthy as they are all in my head, but I can't stop them

I am feeling lonely as hell.
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May. 21st, 2009 @ 10:21 am (no subject)
I just want the meds already, but they wont let me have them until all my tests are back clear, and I've been doing so many tests...they have to do that they say, because they need to know what shape my physical body is before I start taking meds that can ruin it. yuck. I will do tests every three months after this, and for the rest of the time I take the meds, which they say will probably be for life, because it is not good for me to be like I am. i agree, so I will take anything they throw at me.
I am clinging on to that thought at the moment, trying not to get too far down
I can't even imagine how it would be like to not be sad all the time, without a reason or a cause, I can't imagine what it must be like at all, and hopefully I wont have to imagine it anymore, but live it. I just don't see it - right now

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo fed up with me.
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May. 19th, 2009 @ 10:19 pm (no subject)
i've started to blog a bit on a bipolar site in swedish, it feels quite nice, it's so totally accepted to be a grumpy old moaning bitch in there...

and I just feel comfortable right now, will see in a while how it feels

also great to write in swedish for a change

I miss Klaus a lot right now, I think about him all the time

been to therapy today, we discussed my diagnosis, which seem crystal clear to the people there, and I am just confused as hell...how do I know when I am happy or sad cuz of real things, and how do I know when I am happy or sad because I have fucking bipolar thingie and I don't like it when they say that it is a mental illness, that makes me feel like puking

I don't like thinking of myself as mentally ill. just a bit confused, you know? thats nicer

I've not been to work this week, I got a hellish german cold, my head keep hurting and my throat too, and I cough and I just feel lousy, pain in my muscles (or whats left of them)

and I think of Klaus

man that sucks to admit
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May. 16th, 2009 @ 02:31 pm (no subject)
all my life I've looked for reasons to why I am so sad, so down, so depressed. And sometimes I have created reasons to suit with my mood...

and now I realise that maybe the only reason there is, is that I have something wrong with the chemistry of my brain.

it's so odd, it will take some time getting used to.

to stop looking frantically in my mind to why it is that I am so sad....it's 40 years of doing so that kills me now
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May. 10th, 2009 @ 11:13 am scared
I am constantly scared that the people I love will get bored of me, or get tired of me, or just don't care anymore, and so I don't call people up
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May. 8th, 2009 @ 03:49 pm Am I?
So, okay, sue me for being annoying, but all night long I was laying in my bed, twisting and turning and thinking, AM I really bi-polar or did I just make those doctors think that I am? Am I really that bad...? Am I faking it? 

Did you guys really notice me being up and down so much? 

Right now, I am thinking that maybe I just need to pull myself together and get on with my life and not bother shrinks and doctors who have real troubled people to take care of...

blah :( 
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May. 7th, 2009 @ 03:51 pm (no subject)
a doctor /physical, a psyciatrist and a psycologist...and two hours later, I am tired but real glad that I have done this

I am going in for some blood-tests tomorrow and will start on lithium after I come back from germany, because I don't want to risk getting even worse (as you possibly can do when you start a new med) during the trip where I am in charge of those young people.
so next friday, I am starting on lithium

I will get therapy with the psycologist, in the beginning quite often, like twice a week, and they will test my blood like once every month or whatever it was they said. i will also meet the physical doctor and the psyciatrist once a month for a while.

I feel helped. It's such a relief that I can't begin to describe it. It's been so long.

I feel that I was brave, I did this, I didn't go in and smile, as I've done all the other times when I've tried to ask for help, I actually did ask for help and what more, I am getting it.

thanks to you all for encouraging me to do this. I don't know how to thank you so that will have to do.
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May. 7th, 2009 @ 10:44 am (no subject)
in two hours I got my first meeting with the shrink person who will evaluate my mental stability.

Needless to say, I really don't want to go.

I have no idea how to put my thoughts across to a stranger

I've been in therapy for years before, to several different ones and i could never speak up.

I just talked about frank zappa etc and tried to outsmart them.

not good. I am nervous. i need help
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May. 3rd, 2009 @ 07:57 pm (no subject)
I suddenly hear from K again. A letter where he tells me that he has moved out of the house with his wife, no more marriage. He is pleading friendship with me. Telling me how he meant every word he ever said to me, but that he has no energy for anything but friendship. As if I had asked him for anything? It's a weird letter.

After a few hours, I put a letter together back to him, and now I wont hear from him again. I can't deal with any emotions. I can't deal with my own emotions even, how can I take on his, and it's still so raw, and so sore. I still love him like mad, of course, but I also hate him with all my being, and I do not want to be his friend. Not now, not ever. I don't trust him at all.

I have been away for two days, but have been so exhausted the whole time and have slept a lot. So so tired right now. Just feeling like the world is pushing down on me, and everything is a bit tipsy-turvy.

Scared of going to see that person for the evaluation on thursday, scared that they wont do anything to help me.

Scared that I am just too much for everyone I'll meet again. Scared that I will be a burden for all the people i already know.

I want to isolate myself and never look out again, but wait, thats what I've been doing for years and it really doesn't work. I got to shape up.

Got to get to bed early tonight so that I get to work in time. Lots to do this week, next week I am taking a group of students to germany for five days. Five L O N G days.

see ya
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Apr. 29th, 2009 @ 11:32 am (no subject)
my first appointment to an evalutation is on the 7th, I have no idea how long it takes and what it takes to get the right help and the right meds, but hopefully i will be sorted pretty soon.

I keep wanting to jump down train tracks jump down from my window (on the fourth floor) or in general just give in to the temptation of not having to live anymore.

but I am also seeing that it would hurt Liam more than I can ever imagine and he is my priority number 1, no matter how big pain in the arse he might be, he is still my child and I need to protect him.

So not to worry.

I am doing something about it all. I really am. I have also, since I booked the time..or rather asked my doctor for help, been telling real life people, real life friends, about how I am, or at least a little bit, and no one seem to be overly surprised. A typical thing would be that I don't sleep for a week or two and then sleep all the time, and thats suspicious for anyone with a seemingly normal sleep pattern, or that no one hears from me for 4 months because I can't even pick the phone up when it rings, I just sit wondering why I am so all alone, and hey, no mystery there, as I don't contact anyone and no one has the chance to contact me.

I know this

and I know so many other things, but it's all just in theory, it's all my analysing myself but without it actually going IN, if that makes sense. It's like I can talk the talk, but I really can't walk the walk. In any aspect of my life.

So, thats how it is.

All I really want, is to see Ellen and Jem. They are my biggest safety net of all times. I don't need them to be there with me, but I know they are there. I have them. I mean, I know in my heart, and thats a completeyl different thing for me, than any other relationships, but I do know in my heart that they are there and that I am something they care for. It makes the world of difference, to actually feel it, and not just ..you know, theorising about it.

And I have others too, I went to see an old friend yesterday, I was playing with his kids and then we sat talking for a while, and it was relaxing and nice and he made me promise to call him day or night and you know what, I think I am actually ready to take someone up on that offer. I think I could call him if it got bad enough.

So, lots of good things happening, now all I need to do is stop thinking that I want to die. All the bloody time.
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Apr. 22nd, 2009 @ 06:59 am (no subject)

i had this dream tonight, where an old mutual friend to me and K went to see him. They were sitting down by the lake, talking about me. K said, she is all I ever looked for, she is my dream woman, but she is so sad and so alone.
Then our friend told me this, and I was thinking, that being a dream-woman is not the same thing as being a real-woman.

I woke up crying my heart out, and then went back to the same dream.

K then moved on, and told our mutual friend, that it was also due to me being very fat, that it didn't fit the image of his dream, but mainly it was my sadness, which shone through every thing I ever said and did. A person can really hurt themselves on my sadness.

He has now sent my keys back. No note, just the keys. I got them monday, but I could not process it, I guess my dreams are doing it for me.

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Apr. 19th, 2009 @ 06:50 pm (no subject)


Anthony has come and gone, it was a very quick visit. It was lovely to have him here.

Now is that emptiness again. But I am trying to think about that I am dealing with it now. I know I am going to get help. I just wish it was now rather than later.

It's difficult to explain to anyone why I am so sad all the time, or whatever it is that I am. It's tiresom and it's weird. I can feel myself getting more boring than ever, more selfish.

I just don't have the energy for anything.

I have such a hole in me I think, a hole of nothingness. Of dread and ill thoughts. I want to block out the whole world and in the same time I wish everybody could just hug me and hold me.

It's not working so well together, those emotions, at the moment.

I want to thank each person who comment, it really means the world to me, I just have such a hard time accepting that kindness at the moment, it feels undeserved and somewhat wasteful on me.

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