baby me


I didn't mean for anyone to read my last entry and get worried etc. Sorry. So sorry.

I forgot that just because I haven't been to LJ for a long time, others may not have left.

I just need an outlet. I'll post my entries hidden from now.

again, sorry, thanks for your comments, but that wasn't what I was meaning to do - to worry other people.

Thanks and hugs from me

I need to write this

Yeah, I need to write this down somewhere.

I have a complicated relationship to men. All men. All ages of men. (only exception is Liam)

It's like, I can't be a friend, I can't be a lover, I can't be anything to men.

I wish to work on this, I would love to be able to be friends with a man, even a married man perhaps, is that even possible?

It just seems rather impossible, the whole idea of it all.
Maybe I should try to find a partner? But I am not so sure that I want one of those, or that I indeed can even find one.

It's all tricky and difficult and I want to slip out of this knot.

(no subject)

Can't stop thinking about the crazy killings in norway.

How ONE man, a young person, can think it up, first to make a bomb from cow shit from his own farm, that he probably bought for just this purpose, and then put the bomb in the government building. Yes, I can imagine that if you're a terrorist and you want to kill something or someone the government building is probably the place for it....

But then to go get dressed in your police-suit, (a false one) and go out to an island where there is a socialdemocrats youth camp, and start to shoot all those kids....

92 kids dead.
7 people killed in the government bomb

Loads and loads of people scarred for life, mentally and/or physically.

There is no sense to it. No sense.

What can make someone hate so much?

Its so crazy, I read about the hopeless draft in africa, how people suffer and die from not having water, and no food, and millions suffering, but in a way it makes more sense because it's due to natural causes, it's for real, life is fucking hard, life in countries where the water is so scarse, it's so so hard. I feel so bad, thinking that these people are suffering but it's also the way it is.
And then the Norway shooting, it is caused by a person, these people didn't have to die, they had water, food and shelter, they were on holiday, doing something that they loved doing.
And they all die.

And then we get the artists who drug herself to death. I feel no pitty at all for that. I can't. I find that I am more jelous of her than anything else. She lived her life, crazy and fast and she was self destructing and eventually she died from it, but she did it her way, she didn't die from crazy weather conditions, or that someone came and shot her with a bullet or bombed her. She choose that way of life and she choose to die.

It's all random but I can't stop thinking about it all, it goes on and on in my head.

And in the middle of it all is love.
You need to feel love to feel empathy for all of them.

Today, the morning after the night before

Last night, I was sat here, writing down how good I feel finally.

But that was before tonight, a night full of anxiety of the old times, the same levels, and the sadness and nervousness I feel now is just yuck. Every dream that popped up was good in the beginning and then turned rotten. Everyone turning against me, hating, just how my life has been so very often, being bullied all my childhood and youth, and eventually learning not to even notice, and then always those do-gooders that calls themselves "friends" but who just want to point out how much they've "deffended" me from all the others who hate me. It's a weird thing, friendship, and i am so very bad at the whole thing.

I might sound good at it, but I am not. I am always aware of my flaws, my faults...I am always aware that there is a big possibility that I will soon be losing everyone that I've dared to care about. Thats my life.

Always friends with those who are loved by all and who keep being loved by all whereas I start out good but always end up bad.

I am so over it, and bored of it.

And fuck that anxiety. Thats what pills are for. Okay.

(no subject)

Yes for people who think about how to treat the earth good so that it can survive us, humans, a little bit longer!

Blah for people who spoil their kids rotten - who don't talk about what the kids "wish" for but for what they "ask" for - and give them every little thing. Kids need to learn from start that less is better. Kids need to get to long for things, and not ever recieve them, in order to appriciate the things that they do have more. Thats my idea of bringing up kids. Dare to let your kid be bored, get rid of the tv and the computer(s) and give them a sack of sticks to play with. They will you know. They will.

Blah for the western societies need of things which makes and creates warzones in other part of the world (like that thing in our phones that make them vibrates, millions of people in Congo has died over that scrap of metal..) Lets just not get phones that vibrates anymore, lets demand that this over-consumerism must stop NOW.

Yes for thinking about a way of living off the grid!

(no subject)

Oh God I am so tired of having a stomach illness, paired with having bipolar illness....

I have lots of hallucinations and I have such an easy time getting stuck in a thought, and often they are such bad bad thoughts.

I want to be normal and happy.

I have finally, after years of worrying about it, gotten the sack. I can't be ill from work anymore, if I am ill for more than two weeks I don't get any pay at all, my insurance ran out. It's our lovely BLUE government, they don't like people who are ill or unfortunate in life. They want us to die or move to some other planet or something.

Life is really really hard. I do take meds that are supposed to take the worst hallucinations away and which are supposed to balance my moods out, I also take calming meds which calms me enough to go to certain things like Liams graduation. Yes Liam graduated yesterday and it's the biggest thing in a young persons life, so he was well chuffed and me and Liams dad was SO proud. SO proud.

Tomorrow we're going to a restaurant that Liam has chosen to celebrate, he has already had two parties, one at his dads and one at his gf's so now it's my turn to do something and as I am in no shape or form or economical way, I can't have people over, so now all have to pay for themselves instead.

I am so poor, I don't know anyone who is as poor as I am. I mean, yes, people in the world are poorer than I am, but here in sweden, I don't know anyone. I have zero money in the bank, I live day by day and it is very stresful.

oh well, fuck it. I am not sure it's any point in writing it down either, but I do that when things are bad because I have no one that I can tell it to.

(no subject)

anxiety comes in waves, over and over and over again

I can't breath and I can't speak

I am thinking about ending it all and I can't think of something better for me to do anymore, I just can't see a way out anymore.

in the middle of all this, I get news of friends off on holidays, others buying houses, others falling in love etc etc, all good things, and sure I can be pleased for them but I can't really feel good about anything, there is no joy or happiness left in me. this life has finally beat me down to nothingness. I am totally worthless.

(no subject)

1. Liam has decided never to talk to me again ever. He has moved out. He is 18, he is in his full right. I can't stop thinking about forever.

2. I am out of insurance, so on an unemployment centre project, where they humiliate and hurt, humiliate and hurt.

3. I am one of 22 people getting out of work.

4. Instead of saving my job, I go psycotic and completely off my head. This is being bipolar.

I didn't even realise I missed several days of work as I was totally gone in my head. I get so angry, so angry that I want to kill everybody and anybody and yet I feel so lonely that I want to die. I see things, I hear things, and I am unable to do anything about it.

5. Now I've started a second round of lithium treatment, a different type as it poisoned me last time. It is supposed to be nice to the stomach, which is why I had about three seconds to get my pants down in the woods today, a few times, because my stomach feels so nice now. Yuck. I have what probably is an infection in the intestance. (or whatever it is called)

6. I realise that people I just thought were my friends out of habit, aren't much of friends when I go through two extremely tough years without them trying to help me. Or talk to me. Sure fooled me, my ideas of friendship is so screwed up. I know this.

7. But I went to the woods today with my mom. We grilled and stuff. And I was stomach ill, but we were at least IN the forest. A good place.

8. I am going to keep going to the forest. Am on sick leave from work as my psyciatrist doesn't want me to go around at work psycotic or crazy. He says that wont do much for my image as the cool IT-woman.

9. I have no idea how i will survive all this pain. Liam, my job, the insurance's all gone straight to hell, and yes, I feel fucking bad.

But my kid left me and he has never been that angry before, never has he said to me that he doesn't want to see me again. Not ever. He has always been a good kid to me.
I have nothing left. Nothing.

The unemployment place is taking away my dignity, they are so horrible there, and i have to meet with this place for an hour each week, for them to tell me how crap I am and how probably lazy I am as I don't work full time and why should I be so fucking special that the society should want to help me? Well I don't know. Maybe because we all need help sometimes. And sometimes some of us need more than others.

It's just too much.

It's just too lonely.

It's just too disfunctioning.

I have a few friends left, I am trying to hang on to them with my whole heart and soul but unfortunatly I am no good for anyone right now. I just can't be, I just want to kill everybody and anybody as everone seem to be dealt a better hand than me in this life.

I was saying as a joke to my mother tonight, that it seems we survived the doom of today again, and thats unfortunate as it would had solved all my problems, and she laughed and I tried to laugh a little bit too, but in actual fact it was quite serious, I sort of just wanted some release from the world, all natural-like. How pathetic is that!

Anyway, with my luck I would probably survive and ending up having to life my life out full anyway. Who knows, I might end up as old as my grandmother, who just turned wouldn't THAT be fucking typical eh.

(no subject)

there are those people, who say things that always defines what is the "truth". I am so tired of those people.

I've met so many of them, specially online. Often females.

They talk in a way to show themselves off, that they are better than others, they might not even be aware that they are doing it, but they are. They often fall back on "facts" here and "facts" there.

They often attack others for being emotional, or speaking out of an emotional place where there should be facts.

Well, listen up. I am an emotional wreck. I am no fact.

Also I should be allowed to be on this planet as much as anyone else, no matter how fucked up I might be.

(no subject)

I am falling apart at the seams (seems?). Everything bad that can happen to a person is happening to me, and in the middle of that my stomach has broken down. Stres-related? Of course.

I am of no good for anyone else at the moment, I can't take care of myself.