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May. 26th, 2009 @ 08:37 pm Lithium at last!
Finally, after so much blood-testing and ekg's and whatnot, three big talks to med doctors, shrinks and psyciatrists, I finally got my lithium and today i started on it. I am hoping it will work for me.
I've had so much doubt lately, every second I've been thinking, oh, I don't have bipolar illness, and every next second, but yes I do.

yesterday I asked one of my bosses at work to talk to me and I told her about it. about me starting lithium and how it might effect me. not sure that it was a smart thing to do, but at the time it felt right

and today i told jeanette, who is my oldest friend (not oldest, but the one I've known the longest) we've been friends since we were 5 years old..
I told her about being mentally ill - she told me that she is having her third child. Man I wish I was her!!

Anyway, so right now, all in my life and my head is about this ilness. I'ts a huge deal for me, to have a name on it, to know what the fuck is wrong with me, to know that no, I am not just a whiny moany bitch who sits at home without a clue, that I might get to have a life again, or maybe at least half a life. I've been so tired of me, been so close to jumping the tracks at the tubestation too many times during the last six or seven years, that it's quite a miracle that i am still here, to pester everyone around me.

jeanette told me something interesting that i hadn't thought of, how before this last strech of years, I was up almost always. I lived life in high speed, onwards and forwards, I was often totally manic and I just loved it. When she told me, I felt a bit dumb at first and then i realised that it is true. I jumped from job to job, country to country, I used up all friends and all people around me, i shagged anyone and anything, I lived in my own head totally, without a care for anyone else that I messed up, of course by the time I was married and had a kid, and in a way that stopped me a bit, but I found other things to be manic about with them around. My husband used to HATE me when I was nutty in town, when I was so loud and when I danced around on the streets, for a few years, i believed that I was a ballerina when I was my highest, and I used to dance ballet out anywhere and everywhere, crazy nutty me, and he hated it, and asked me to stop and I could not see what it was that he wanted me to stop with, it was just what i did.
it is all coming clear to me now, all of it, the more people I talk to and listen to who have the same illness, that it's been a life pattern, since I was in my teens and my shrink and doctors are telling me that they're so amazed that I've managed on my own until now, until I am 40...but really, I think I've hurt enough people and I've hurt myself enough to last a few life times, and I wish I had gotten help sooner, or rather, that I'd accepted help
anyway, as I am sure you're all bored of hearing about this, I will go back and write in my bipolar blog more instead...

love to you all! 
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From:[info]adamchristopher
Date: May 26th, 2009 07:39 pm (UTC)
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i have bipolar illness, too. i was on meds for seven years. lithium didn't work for me, it made me sick. i tried three different antidepressants, intermittent success and failure. my yoga practice has changed things for me dramatically, sustained and saved me. obviously i still suffer from depression, but yoga has brought me into tremendously greater balance and i've healed and grown so much in the years since i began. it's a gradual life process. i wish you all the best finding what it is that works best for you, in your own life.
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From:[info]a_lost_marianne
Date: May 26th, 2009 07:55 pm (UTC)
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glad yoga works for you

for me, it doesn't

I hated yoga, I've tried classes three times now, with three different teachers, people seem to get so worked up around yoga, telling me you HAVE to try it, but for me it's nothing that I can engage myself in.

But whatever works for you, is good or so I think.

I've just not found anything yet, but hopefully the lithium will do the trick for me, I am so tired of being so beaten.

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From:[info]adamchristopher
Date: May 26th, 2009 08:00 pm (UTC)
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it seems to me like it's not working because most "yoga classes" are focused on the physical postures which, while definitely super beneficial to the body, actually represent less than five percent of what yoga is about. yoga is a five thousand year old science that absolutely will work and does, if you know what it is and how to practice it. it would take independent reading to actually understand what it's about. because stretching isn't it, by far.

but that doesn't matter now, all that matters is you pursuing what works for you, and what gives you hope and what you feel excited about trying. just take care of yourself in your own way, based on what you know now and give it your all. i care for you and wish you well.
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From:[info]a_lost_marianne
Date: May 26th, 2009 07:56 pm (UTC)
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also, as much as I don't like having to say this , right now I sure could use some positive stories about lithium as this is the path I am on at the moment...

I don't think I am ready for anything else at the moment

thanks though
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From:[info]adamchristopher
Date: May 26th, 2009 08:03 pm (UTC)
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oh yeah, and i completely didn't mean to be negative. sorry if it seemed that way. i was just trying to say 'i have dealt with this illness and this is my experience'. lithium may be a lifesaver for you. and i absolutely support you in any and all of the choices you make to take care of yourself!
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From:[info]a_lost_marianne
Date: May 28th, 2009 08:05 am (UTC)
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*hugs*

thank you
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From:[info]baggyk
Date: May 26th, 2009 07:49 pm (UTC)
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So, it sounds like this diagnosis is the the revelation you've been waiting for to start the story of a life you control.
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From:[info]a_lost_marianne
Date: May 26th, 2009 07:53 pm (UTC)
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What do you mean? i can't figure out if this is a good or bad comment? I mean...what?

Talk to me as if I am a half-wit please, I can't think straight!!

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From:[info]baggyk
Date: May 27th, 2009 04:39 am (UTC)
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Sorry, I didn't realise I was being so cryptic. I meant that your diagnosis is the fact/idea you needed to learn in order to move forward in your life, but dramatically. It's an epiphany.
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From:[info]a_lost_marianne
Date: May 28th, 2009 08:04 am (UTC)
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*big hugs*

I think of meeting you and it makes me smile - it was such a lovely get-to-gether!
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From:[info]tree
Date: May 26th, 2009 08:57 pm (UTC)
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i'm really happy for you, marianne, and i hope that this will be helpful to you. a friend of mine is on lithium and it has definitely helped her. don't forget, though, that it can take a while to work out the correct dosage, as with any medication. so don't despair if things don't change immediately. (hugs)
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From:[info]a_lost_marianne
Date: May 28th, 2009 08:04 am (UTC)
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Thanks and yes! I do believe it will help me too, I have that feeling...

Just have to get over the initial shock of it hitting my blood streams..

Thank you for all
Hugs and love!
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From:[info]cyndromeda
Date: May 27th, 2009 03:38 am (UTC)
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please don't leave us out when you are blogging because i know i am not the only one that cares what you are saying, and wants to know what's going on with you, good or bad.
you have been winging it so long, now you know what is up and can confront it. i hope the lithium works for you. good luck and big hugs. :>)
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From:[info]a_lost_marianne
Date: May 28th, 2009 08:03 am (UTC)
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oh, no no, I wont stop using this blog, it's just nice to do it over there too, somehow

yes, I'v been winging it but not making such a great job of it..considering what i've lost from it...

anyway, onwards eh :)

*hugs* and love!

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