| Jun. 11th, 2009 @ 08:25 pm (no subject) |
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I am probably very lucky with the people I've met in the psyciatric care here, I seem to be the only one out of all the people I have met online who are bipolar etc, here in sweden that is, who is getting a lot of ..you know, care. I get to see my shrink once or twice a week, I have numbers to call 24/7, I am meeting my doctor once a week just for a five minutes chat, etc...
I am doing lots of blood testing all the time, and thats a bother now that I am leaving town. A real bother...I am leaving monday night ot the countryside with my mom, it's the first time in a few years that I am going there just for a holiday, a relaxed holiday hopefully. My mom is calling the doctors office in the town next to it tomorrow morning to see if I can get my blood tested there, hopefully so, otherwise I will have to go home already hmm wednesday night, and I want to stay until monday the 22nd...on the 23 I am going for more blood tests and shrink/doctor. my shrink has written a letter to bring with me to england, which I going to on the 24th, she has also sent for a EU medical card for me to bring, she is scared that I'll get worse, but in actual fact, as I keep telling her, I always feel okay or good in england. Sometimes I get those sharp sensations of pain but mainly because that I am about to leave again.
Anyway, seems like I am getting a lot of care.
Still, therapy is not my thing, and we have agreed that after an initial period of time, until I know that my meds are going to do the trick for me (today I got the news that I have to up the meds, starting tomorrow morning..) I wont have to go to regular therapy, but merely when I feel that i need it, like if I suddenly decide to give up the drugs etc, then I have to go in. I will also get to go to this group education thing, which will be good I think. I just don't like that thing about sitting in a room with a shrink alone, I feel utterly stupid.
Tonight there was a work outing. Fifteen (15!!!!!!) people have been made reduntant, so not such a happy place, and I wsa going to go, but I just can't.
I am feeling down and sad, and even though I know it's chemicals in my brain, it still doesn't feel good. I HOPE that this sort of sadness will go away with the meds working properly, and already now it is making the sadness less horrible, but tonight it is there, and I can't go and pretend to be jolly, not even for those fifteen people.
I still have lots of doubts about the diagnosis, still got lots of questions, but my mom keep telling me to accept it, and today she told me that there is a lot of people in the family with the same diagnosis, not my generation but hers and older still. I told my doctor who said, oh that explains it, as if it does, but I don't know what will otherwise.
I am single minded as fuck lately, actually all I am thinking about is that i have to remember to take my meds at the right time and that I need to try to focus my mind on you know, just getting better. It's a big deal, a huge deal for me, I don't think I could understand what a big deal it would be. It's a whole life time of this though, of having constant ups and downs without any reason, and trying to not let it show to much to others, and isolating myself in my flat and feeling ashamed of talking ot people about it.
Now it pours out. I tell people all the time, I just let people see me as vulnerable. It's scary but it's a relief in the same time.
And yet I feel as a big idiot, and a big liar, for having this much care.
I have this feeling that someone will turn around and tell me that the doctors are all wrong, that I am normal and that I shouldn't think I am special in any way. (as if this diagnosis makes me special, but still..) The one person who would say that to me, havne't spoken to me in a while, then suddenly last week she called me on the phone, said she has some clothes she found in the cellar of her house, and if I wanted it, and I said yes, sure, thanks, but I didn't tell her anything about me, I know she always think she knows more and better than anyone else, if you say you have a cold, she will tell you that you don't, and thats that. But some people are just like that. And she used to be a very good friends for many years, so I can look past that usually, but not right now.
This is too new and scary and big, I can't let anyone shit on it, because I want the meds to work and me to go to the therapy and do all the things to make myself better. And if someone tells me that it's bullshit, I will maybe think it too, and spend the rest of my life in this misery that I've been living in for soooo many years.
anyway, boring stuff
but it's an update.
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