Marianne (a_lost_marianne) wrote,
Marianne
a_lost_marianne

1. Liam has decided never to talk to me again ever. He has moved out. He is 18, he is in his full right. I can't stop thinking about forever.

2. I am out of insurance, so on an unemployment centre project, where they humiliate and hurt, humiliate and hurt.

3. I am one of 22 people getting out of work.

4. Instead of saving my job, I go psycotic and completely off my head. This is being bipolar.

I didn't even realise I missed several days of work as I was totally gone in my head. I get so angry, so angry that I want to kill everybody and anybody and yet I feel so lonely that I want to die. I see things, I hear things, and I am unable to do anything about it.

5. Now I've started a second round of lithium treatment, a different type as it poisoned me last time. It is supposed to be nice to the stomach, which is why I had about three seconds to get my pants down in the woods today, a few times, because my stomach feels so nice now. Yuck. I have what probably is an infection in the intestance. (or whatever it is called)

6. I realise that people I just thought were my friends out of habit, aren't much of friends when I go through two extremely tough years without them trying to help me. Or talk to me. Sure fooled me, my ideas of friendship is so screwed up. I know this.

7. But I went to the woods today with my mom. We grilled and stuff. And I was stomach ill, but we were at least IN the forest. A good place.

8. I am going to keep going to the forest. Am on sick leave from work as my psyciatrist doesn't want me to go around at work psycotic or crazy. He says that wont do much for my image as the cool IT-woman.

9. I have no idea how i will survive all this pain. Liam, my job, the insurance thing...it's all gone straight to hell, and yes, I feel fucking bad.

But my kid left me and he has never been that angry before, never has he said to me that he doesn't want to see me again. Not ever. He has always been a good kid to me.
I have nothing left. Nothing.

The unemployment place is taking away my dignity, they are so horrible there, and i have to meet with this place for an hour each week, for them to tell me how crap I am and how probably lazy I am as I don't work full time and why should I be so fucking special that the society should want to help me? Well I don't know. Maybe because we all need help sometimes. And sometimes some of us need more than others.

It's just too much.

It's just too lonely.

It's just too disfunctioning.

I have a few friends left, I am trying to hang on to them with my whole heart and soul but unfortunatly I am no good for anyone right now. I just can't be, I just want to kill everybody and anybody as everone seem to be dealt a better hand than me in this life.

I was saying as a joke to my mother tonight, that it seems we survived the doom of today again, and thats unfortunate as it would had solved all my problems, and she laughed and I tried to laugh a little bit too, but in actual fact it was quite serious, I sort of just wanted some release from the world, all natural-like. How pathetic is that!

Anyway, with my luck I would probably survive and ending up having to life my life out full anyway. Who knows, I might end up as old as my grandmother, who just turned 108...now wouldn't THAT be fucking typical eh.
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