Moments of feeling such dislike towards me, these moments formulate how everything will be. Moments of pleasure, but the pleasure doesn't last in my memory so it's all black.
This weekend I went to the forest with my mother. It was so beautiful.
I am so wrong though, so faulty. It's like I wasn't made right.
I yearn for contacts with other people but I seriously can't cope with it all. I feel disliked and missunderstood.
I wish it wasn't so difficult, life. I wish it was a piece of cake or a walk in the park or some other english expressions that sounds so lovely but never exists.
I wish I didn't feel so disliked all the time. It's really hard work.
There is so much (too much) hanging loose at the moment. My caregivers (shrink and psyciatrist) and my work situation and my unemployment status at the fifty percent I dont' work now....it's all up in the air way to much for me, who need stability and even though my mind is so chaotic a lot of the time, I still need that stability of mind so much.
There are, according to a documentary I was watching the other day on the porn-industry, a whole lot of men who love to watch women puke from taking the mens cocks so deep down their throats for such a long time that there is no way they can not puke.
I woke up from a long nap just now. I dreamt that I decided to leave stockholm and go the 600 km's down to my grandmothers to take care of her, instead of having others looking after her. It felt so right and good, and I talked to my mother about it on the phone first, and said as it felt, that it was unfair that strangers got to be with her and not us, her real family. So I went there and I looked after her.
When I woke up it took me some time to argue with myself about it all, I so want to go down there and look after her, and I think I just talked myself in to it completely when I came to realise that she died some years ago now.
My mind keep telling me to think of ways of killing myself at home without Liam having to be the one to find me.
I am not sure why it is that I keep having these thoughts, but I am sick and tired of it, and I am sick and tired of these holes I fall in to.
I am just one little person, why should I have to feel so bad so much of the time?
Can't it be spread around a bit?
A friend told me the other week, how she don't see me as a person who sits around feeling sorry for myself.
Well I am now.
I am feeling so lost and gone and just not right in the head.
I want to die so badly, I want to die before someone I care about dies.
My mother, Liam or my friend E who is very ill in alzheimers, she only has a few years left of remembering who I am, who her children are... I know people say that they love me, they say they like me, they say all sort of things, but when it really comes down to it, I think I am more alone than what is healthy. I know I can't attract a partner. I know that I can have friends who live a long way away, I am pretty good at that sort of friendship, it doesn't demand much of me. I have a few close friends here at home, but I rarely see them either. I have many aquaintances. I am good at surface friendship, thats my best type. But mainly, I am a loner.
I often like being lonely, it's so non-demanding, I can just spend hour upon hour upon day upon week upon month doing nothing, and as long as no one knows this, I am fine with it. But if someone finds out, that I didn't go out for a week again, didn't talk to a single human being again for that whole week, not even Liam...well then it gets hugely embarrasing, because then I am not only a loner in my own world, my own rights, I am also a-lone. Alone. In other peoples eyes.
Yesterday I went to a party for my theatre, all the people who take classes there, plus all who works there, all were there.
I realised that I felt comfortable with no one there, and felt nothing.
People grouped up and went away in those groups, went to other places to drink.
I sat there, and no one spoke to me, no one was interested in taking me along to any of those places, and I had no problems with that, as I didn't want to talk to them either. I was so totally uninterested in them and what they had to say.
It was just dull and boring.
The things people talk about, the things people think about. Has it always been as mundane?
Have I always been uninterested in the normal life of my contemporaries?
I think maybe that I have. That I am that one person who is always on the outside, either looking in or looking away.
I have found that when I fancy someone, they become beautiful in my eyes.
But if I have doubts or if I am with someone who I don't truly fancy, they will become ugly, as I start to see only the bad sides of them to make sure I will finish it as soon as possible. It's not fair to be together with someone you don't really fancy.
Physical attraction is hugely important, but I do think that it comes from the inside, not the outside, mainly.