Whatsup, did someone fucking die?

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-11-02T16:19:00

2009-11-02T15:23:48Z

anger is part of it, as is tears, self pitty, etc etc etc

I've been to see a doctor, finally with the help of my mom, I got back to the normal clinic and got a long talk with my shrink and a doctor, and what I have is called rapid cycling and yes, it might well be described as hell on earth (by me and by others who have it) and hopefully it will calm down now, I am going to take some added pills to my lithium.
It's all down to the triggers in life and right now there has been plenty triggers and almost nothing good.

I talked them out to admitting me, to tell you the truth, they understand. I am a person who at my well times actually have a job and I support myself and Liam and I do things the normal way, but in the hospital ...there are just nutcases,they scare me half to death and I can not sleep without heavy sedation and during the days you kinda just need to sit and watch yourself just so that you can stay clear of the nutters, and the doors are locked, like in prison. IT's not a healthy place, not for anyone.

so I got times to go to see them again on thursday. I will get to keep going there in addition to going to the other place. it's called emotional blackmailing I guess, but I don't care right now.

I am so tired, tired to the bones, but I wanted to let you guys know. thank you for support.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-11-02T09:36:00

2009-11-02T08:59:04Z

You all think it's so easy, just ask for help, take your meds, call the help place.

Well, friday noon my shrink calls me up and tells me that I've been reffered to another unit. Just like that. So she, and my doctor and my psyciatrist that has been treating me for the last six months when I "finally" asked for help, well they went up in smoke.

She had told me, that I was hypomanic and was going to come down and be careful over the weekend. She said that this new unit/team was going to contact me and maybe even come over and see to me.

I have always hated having people over, any builder, painter, fixer, has been a real scare for me, I don't know why but having this shrink team coming over and assess me and everything that I am made me terrified and I fell deep in to a hole friday night, when I started to clean. I cleaned until four am, then took a break and then cleaned some more. All the time I was thinking about my new washing machine which don't work as it's not connected. The electricity is connected but not the water. My neice and her boyfriend has promised to do it, as they are good at those things, but as it turns out, it was just small talk. However, they did take the hose-things with them home so I could not try to get it sorted out myself either.
So, my work-mate Stina calls on saturday or talk to me via the only possible way these days, facebook, and tells me that her fella can sort it out, if I just get the hose-things. So my neice pops over with them, made up to her toes in makeup and fancy clothes, she is excited, and I can see it but I don't feel happy about it. I just feel that I despise her for these three weeks of telling me they'll do something that they wont. they are living such a happy funny and very wealthy life. I suddenly hate her.
I have not eaten in a while, as my tummy has been bad from some of my meds, it's nothing I WISH for, but my stomach don't deal with the meds they give me and I do try to take them and then spend a day or two in my bathroom. but I was hungry and felt like shit.
Then Stina turns up, my work-mate, totally made up, beautiful dress, super much makeup, and tell me she is going to a party in an hour, but she will try to fix my machine first. I look around for her fella, but he is not mentioned. Now she is as good as me doing machines up, and if she can do it, then so can I. So I sat down and looked at her, hoping her dress would get dirty, although my house is so fucking clean as I fear for those shrink peoples views on me and I can see how they'll take Liam away from me.

So she leaves, she also leaves me flowers. And my machine is still as unfixed. I'd rather have her not come at all, it was such hard work pretending to be happy when she was here.

Saturday night, I am thinking, if I don't feel better by tomorrow and if they've still not called me, I just make do with life and kill myself.

So, quite nicely I went to sleep.

I woke up at 5 and got up, still no call from those people. I decided to start getting ready, but I slept a few more hours first, so it got quite late when I was ready to actually go out. I have always wanted to be warm when I die, so I dressed in winter clothes.
I went out and handed in the old bottles and stuff, didn't want Liam to have to do that for us. I also got him some drinks. I called him and he told me he want to stay with his dad another week. Thats fine. I told him I love him, and hang up.

And then I went to the big street, where the big fast cars go. Did I thnk to feel sorry for them? No.
Did I feel guilty for anyone else but myself. No.
Did I see any other way out. No.

You can guiltiefy me as much as you like. I have my own guilt to bear, I don't need yours too.

I stood for maybe half an hour. Looking for the right truck or car. And I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried because life is just THIS shitty. I have no one to turn to anymore and my team of shrinks do no longer want to work on me, I have no one to call.

So I returned home and called my mom. ANd this is where MY shame is. I've used my mom to help me, she is 73 years old she don't need this, a 41 year old daughter acting like 3. But in the same time, I can not help it. I just can't help it. I cry to my mom. Thats what I do.
I call the help number too, but they have nothing to say to me.
And eventually, around 8 pm, I call this number my mom had found for me, for my "new" team. I talked to a lady, who did not listen to me at all. She was trying to get her computer to work, and then she dropped things, and talked about how tired she was. I said, my mom talked to this man, Jonas, and she said, oh right, what did you talk about, and I said, how I have spent the afternoon trying to kill myself. and she goes, oh right, so what was your personal number? And I give the number to her, stupified, and I ask her, don't you want to know how I am doing now? ANd she said, no, not really, not before we get the right papers up. So she put me on hold, and during that time, my mobile phone went out of cash and turned itself off. I waited for an hour, but she never called back.

Today my mom has been talking to someone at this "new" place, and they don't know what to do either.

So hows that for help?

The next person who tells me to get help, please tell me where and how?

THe next person who want to tell me that I should feel guilty, go fuck yourself.

The next person who tell me that I haven't done everything by the fucking book, well I have. I have done EXACTLY what I've been told.

The next person who think that I am writing this just to get attention - well don't give me any. I don't want your attention if you think that is why I am writing this.

I am writing this because I have NO WHERE TO GO. I have NO ONE to tell apart from my mom who is already doing so much that I am scared she will die before time. My mum deserve better than me, I know this, but I am me.

I am thinking that them telling me that I am bipolar was wrong, because the meds don't help me.

I am thinking that nothing works and I wish more than anything that I was brave enough to die by my own hand, but I hate blood. And I hate those pills, although I have enough pills to die from, I dono't want Liam to find me.
I can jump from my balcony but I am a bit scared of heights.

And I really really like the feeling I get when I think of walking in to a train, or a tube, or a bus, or a lorry. That big smash and nothing.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-11-01T18:37:00

2009-11-01T17:43:24Z

after a terrible weekend, really terrible, I decided to just end it all.

In the media lately it's been quite a lot about people who can't shut down their deciecesed ones facebooks etc, so I did that for my "loved" ones.

I also cleaned up at home, took out the garbage, cleared out the fridge, called Liam a last time just to hear his voice, he wants to stay at his dads house for a while, so that was easy

I then went outside for the first time since thursday or wednesday. I really truly hate my life. I have no joy left for my friends who get married, give births, go on holidays etc etc.

I took the garbage out. I don't want anyone to find a smelly flat.

Unfortunatly I still haven't gotten anyone sorting my new washing machine out, seem to hard to say no and so I haven't actulalyly paid someoneo to do it, but instead waiting and waiting. no luck.

so, I got dressed. I have always thought that I want to die warm, so I got quite a lot of clothes on. And then I stepped out. right next to my street is a more busy street, with bigger cars and maybe even trucks. I wanted to find a truck or a bus, I can feel how good it will feel against my body, that impact and how the breath just stops happening and then how things just go so fast and then it's nothing.

But I failed. Even this in life, I failed. I fail and i fail and I fail. Even at death.

I have spoken to my mom and i have spoken to my friend D but I got no body else to talk to. those two are it. It takes a certain type of person who can hear you cry for hour after hour without going "chin up" etc. So I got those two people and I feel so ashamed to call my mom who is 73 years old, and worry her lilke this. And D, whom I never seen in real life.
But in reality, i got no one else.

And I juts want to die so much.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-10-12T23:15:00

2009-10-12T21:23:31Z

It's been a really really bad week this last one.

It has ended with me spending yet another day at the psych-ward, and going home with even more pills. I've not slept since friday morning, until this afternoon when I slept for a full hour, which was very strange.

Now I am sitting waiting for the sleeping pill to do anything, I've been waiting for over an hour now. considering taking another one.

I am on sick leave.

The doctors call it a manic episode with something that I can't translate. I am on diazepams for relaxing, but it don't do much.

I have almost left my job. I have been so angry, I can't begin to describe. I am not sure if I am less angry or if it's the pills.

So so so very tired, but also glad that I now have people who help me, or try to help me, who I call up and I get to come in and I get to call them every day and they don't shy away from me but instead they know what it is that I am going through and help me.

I am sitting here stairing at the little plastic jar of valiums. I want to take another one now. Not sure how many I can take before they actually do anything.

I've not often been this manic, yes a bit hyper and a bit over the top and quite often my sleeping stops, but full on manic not so often.

Slightest bit of word makes me angry.

Liam is supposed to come home today, I called him at nine, told him whats going on, and that I am trying to sleep so be quiet when he comes home, didn't mean that he could come home this last though on a school night. Went in to check his report card thing, and turns out he hasn't been to school today, all red red red on the classes. red can mean good things, but in school worlds it usulaly mean that the kid didn't show up, or something bad.

I got such a tooth ache, it's so painful, I need to go see a dentist, this is not fun.

I've written a thousand letters this weekend, to anyone, all in swedish. (mostly) I've written my own private journal and in just paper and pen and in the swedish journal that I keep over at the bipolar place (it sure sucks)

My friend D told me today that I am ..hmm, never mind, forgot the word, it's got to do with being addicted to writing though. grafsomething

I just can't stop, it's the only way the thoughts don't go missing, but stays somehow.

Where is Liam? It pisses me off when he is trying to be secrative, because I am trying so hard to be open to him, but he think it's a one way street, that kids are entitled to have more secrets, but I don't agree at all, not right now anywya, don't think I can sleep until he is home, or take another pill at least.

if I don't quit my job, they will fire me.

I've made a true mess of things.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-09-17T11:10:00

2009-09-17T09:14:42Z

So, yesterday I was at a bipolar group education thing. The psyciatric care offer that once a term, a course of 7 times, in the same group with lectures on the illness itself, on cures, medication etc...

I had been dreading it a bit, but as it turned out, the one and a half hour went by so fast.

I am still very unwell though, I wonder when I will start feeling better. I am tired all the time, heavy tired, you know when your body and head just feel like it weighs even more than it does. 1000 times more. I am sad a lot, although not as hopelesslely and endlessly sad that you guys are used to hearing about. Just sad that my life has gone to shits because of all this.

Sad of all the things I've done to people, things I've said and done. I have been completely unable to be a good friend because I've never managed to stick around, my depressions have just swooped me off my feet at the most unforseen moments. Or my little manic spells have turned me in to a selfish crazy person who have no time for closeness, just go go go.

I see a lot of things now, that I wish I had seen 20 years ago.

I also realise that I am not alone in this, yesterday I was sat with 10 other people who have been going through similar things. It was sort of amazing to meet them, although of course we hardly spoke to each other, it being the first time...but one of the people spoke up and said, "god, I've been so alone".

And I guess, going to the shrinks etc, yeah that helps in a small way, but they don't get it, how can they?

Anyway, I wonder if I will ever be able to just have normality. I long for it, a balance in my emotional life, where nothing is so extremely exaggerated anymore. All the emotions that I have, are always so big, and I want them to be small and for them to feel right.

Not sure if this makes any sense and I am absolutely sure that it's getting boring to everyone apart from myself, who is discovering so many things.

I just wish I could tell ya, that yeah I am getting treatment and meds, so therefor it is okay now. But it really isn't.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-08-31T07:28:00

2009-08-31T05:30:06Z

too sick today to get to work. no sleep during the night, just awful thoughts on big insects sticking to my forhead.

nothing sounds really bad during the day when it comes to insects but during the darkness and loneliness those insects always taunts me. same with rats, although a million times worse.

I am not at the rat stage yet.

I will fight this.

I called in to work, and the best thing is that the woman who answers the sick calls at work has turned in to be one of the best friends and most important people in my life. That makes it so much easier. She also understands why I don't call in sick, but call in to switch days around, so that I don't have to suffer from having even less money. Thats just another stresser.

I feel fucking terrible, will read some now so that maybe I can sleep. I've found the perfect boring book, it's so boring that it's got to put me to sleep.

Kate B - I love you.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-08-30T20:50:00

2009-08-30T18:57:29Z

I feel terrible

I am not sure at this moment if the whole "going out to get help" thing that I've done is helpful at all. When I am feeling this sad and low, I do know that its the illness speaking to me, which is a plus. It is easier to deal with the dread and the sadness when I know it's an illness, than that it's real sadness over issues.
But I also know that there are only two ways I can get help: 1. more meds, which will eventually zombiefie me and stop me working for example. and 2. put myself in to hospital and once there lay in a hospital bed instead of laying in my own bed. Well, I rather lay in my own bed.

I am on quite a lot of lithium but unfortunatly it doesn't work as well as I had hoped, because of my tummy which is very bad. The shrink keep insisting that I am forgetting to take my pills, but I really am not. Taking pills is one of my worst things in life, and I am forcing myself to take them two times a day, when my mobile rings PILLLLLLS. I would know if I hadn't taken them once, because my guilt would be terrible. I am doing this not only for me, but for Liam too.

So, sadly, I have to be whinging bitch for a longer time yet, and live with these highs and lows, and although I keep thinking that I want to die die die die die right now, I know that I am not going through with it, I am actually telling myself pretty much every minute that it's only thoughts, nothing that I will actually do.

I go to bed and I sleep a lot, just to wait for life to get on with it, and thats depressing too, but I have no energy for anything else, and sleep is my self medication method. I don't do drugs or drink and it's been a very long time since I have had anyone who wanted sex with me, so...
sleep it is.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-08-30T10:49:00

2009-08-30T08:48:55Z

OH GOD I should not had let anyone in my family be on my fucking facebook. I feel soooo caged in

no matter that I am also falling down so fast in to a depression right now, I feel it all over my body and I hate hate hate it

but my mum commenting everything that I write in there is just nervewrecking.

I can't think of something I rather not have.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-08-27T14:46:00

2009-08-27T12:48:52Z

I just got in to lots of trouble in a bipolar forum...by posting negative things, or rather, just critisicing the book "the secret"

Oh that book scares the living daylight out of me.

It's like in a sci-fi movie, when someone looks at something for a while and turn in to a zombie. People seem to look at that film/read that book, and then start to preach and they just never stop.

And now everybody is mad at me in there. Oh well, fuck it. One of the admins told me in a comment in that post that I did, that I better "fake it til I make it" in my posts from now on. She didn't add the "or else" but oh damn it was there.

I will fnd some other forum to hang out in from now on, they totally scare me with that cult-like behaviour!

*shrugs*

Någon typ av rasism...

2009-08-27T07:02:00Z

(utan att det handlar om hudfärg)

Här om dagen satt jag på bussen på väg till jobbet, då jag hör ett får bräääka, högt högt så att alla runt omkring i bussen vänder huvudet mot ljudet, och ser, jasså, bara ännu en amerikan ...Han satt och pratade i sin mobil, på engelska naturligtvis och ingen annan i bussen kunde föra en konversation utan att skrika.

En annan dag, samma busslinje; en kvinna kommer på bussen med sin barnvagn, hon har en vän med sig, de pratar extremt högt på amerikansk engelska. Folk tittar, och en del ler stort, amerikaner, de är ju speciella och kul, de är ju liksom som vi, fast mycket coolare. Första klassens invånare, högt uppe, ännu högre upp än vi svenskar som är ganska tråkiga ju. Här har vi reserverade svenskar som inte ler så lätt, som inte pratar med främmande om det inte är nödvändigt (eller om främlingen råkar vara amerikan eller engelsk..) Här har vi låsta och stela och fullpumpade svenskar med jantelagar så det rinner ut genom öronen.

Men åååå, en amerikan, de som är så fantastiska på att le och att älska alla de träffar på första ögonblicket...Moder och Fader med säkert, till positiva klubben och mindfullness. I amerika, där har de Dr.Phill som hjälper alla stackars amerikaner som har svårt att inte fortsätta vara positiva och leende. Då säger han till på skarpen, att NU är det dags att låtsas le så blir du säkert glad. Här lilla gubben/gumman, har du ett plåster, inget slickande på såren nu, bara Le.

Och i amerika, där har de också författare som skriver böcker som "There is a better way to sell" som handlar just om detta, att sälja. Och när man som amerikan försöker sälja något, så gör man det med hela sin själ. Genom sina vackra leenden som inte är falska, nej nej, äkta härliga leenden, för alla i amerika är glada.

Vi har också författare som skriver böcker som "Hemligheten" som är, mer eller mindre, byggd på samma koncept. Positivt tänkande säljer. Du tänker dig till att må bra, att få mer betalt, att få behålla din vacklande familj och dina vänner. Allt genom att du tänker på positiva sätt. De människor som anammar dessa tankar, blir som små mini-scientologer som mässar och sjunger den positiva andans lovsång. I boken (och i filmen som är på en fruktansvärd bräkande engelska) beskrivs till exempel "attraktionens lagar" vilket ju inte är en lag överhuvudtaget. Den finns inte. Mycket beskrivs i boken som sanningar och som fakta, men detta är naturligtvis inte rätt. Det är en kvasipsykologisk bok utan någon typ av fakta eller empirisk data bakom sig.

I vissa sekter runt värden talar man om att sjukdomar och annat elände, kanske manodepressivitet t ex., är Guds straff, så man, som medlem, ser till att inte bli sjuk, eller så låtsas man att man inte har ont, inte är ledsen...och på det sättet är ju alla till sist genomfriska och mår lukrativa fantastiska liv. Eller?

Tja, jag personligen är extremt skeptisk. Jag är dessutom livrädd för vad den amerikanska tanken gör mot oss individer, och när jag läser om sånt här dravel, så känner jag ändå små stick i mitt hjärta, för jag är inte kapabel att lyfta mig från mina depressioner utan en massa medicin och en hel del hjälp. Jag klarar inte av att tänka mig frisk. Att bli positiv och se på de små tingen med störa barnaögon och tänka å vad världen då ändå är fantastisk. Nej, det krävs lite mer för dessa tankar. Det krävs enormt mycket kärlek innan jag talar om för en person att jag älskar den. För jag tror på djupa känslor. Och jag tror inte att man kan vara bipolär och samtidigt kunna amerikanisera sig själv till att bli "frisk".

Jag vet att inte alla amerikaner är på det där sättet, jag har levt i USA något år som ung och sett att det ju finns en del annat folk också. Men om man är uppfostrad i ett samhälle med en viss kultur, så blir man ju lätt smittad, precis som jag är ganska svensk, jag har det där tunga svenska sättet att möta människor, och det andra som är mer positivt, det lojala och det trevliga.

Men jag är ändå en stor amerikarasist, det inser jag speciellt mycket när jag läser bloggarna här i bipolarna.se, och de kommentarer som ges och fås.

Nej, tack för kaffet, nu har jag sagt det här, och jag menar inget illa, men det är min lilla input i positiva tänkandets värld. Jag vill helst slippa väckelserörelsen!

fuck fuck fuck fuck

2009-08-20T07:46:32Z

I am at home, done my work for this week and now I am off....to sit here in the soffa feeling crap. Yay me. Both me and Liam have a cold, although his is much worse. Today is the first day of term for him though so he went, looking so bad, like a corpse coming back from holidays! I can't belive how pale he is, and he is coughing more than breathing at the moment. Yuck.

Me, I have been so proud of myself for taking my pills perfectly on the spot at 9 am and then again at 9 pm but now my shrink just called and questioned this, saying my lithium values goes up and down a lot, and I guess she is wondering what I am doing wrong. Well, my tummy is crap, so I've probably puked up the pills a lot, and probably this is the reason to why I am still like a fucking yo-yo in my moods...just been on a couple of weeks of "up". Now people think that "up" means that I am happy, but it got very little to to with happiness, just a restlessness, of feeling lighter in my body (than when I am "down") and a hard time focusing the thoughts, plus of course, a hard time sleeping. I will fall asleep, because I force myself to go to bed, and then I'll wake up half an hour later, thinking it is time to get up, and it just goes on.

But now my shrink says she'll find some other med for me that works better together with my stomach problems. Probably even bigger pills...:( I hate taking pills, and these days I am taking like 10 a day, it's just karma for all crappy things I've done I figure. My punishment for being an arse all these years.

I don't like myself much right now.
I am falling down as if I was standing on a roof top jumping down and I will feel even worse in a day.
Life is seriously pissing me off.

Last week was good, let me go back there please. Sweet please with sugar on top.

Drugs

2009-08-13T19:09:30Z

There is only one thing that I hate more than the drugs themselves, and thats people who try to make other people use them. If the other people are adults, and they're trying to push them on to young people, teen-agers or even younger people, then those people should be, in my never ever humble opinion, shot.

If an adult, who is also an old friend of yourself and your son, is sitting by a table, talking to a 16 year old and his mother, about how great drugs are, and that everyone should try heroine twice, and that LSD is a simply must -try.

Well, then that person will be out of my life as soon as possible, and for good.

This happened this summer, and I am still fuming EVERY day. I told said person off, of course I did. This person shut me up by telling me that my child need to have a positive input on drugs, and not just my single minded "drugs are bad" view. Doing this, and trying to get my sons approval, and of course he will get that, as a teenager take every opportunity to disagree with a parent. At this moment, I wanted to leave, or kick that persons face in so hard. But having a 16-year old is sensetive business, anyone who has ever had a teen to raise, knows this to be the truth, so you have to step very carefully, which meant that I retracted my views, and put up with the said adult for a few hours, and then left with a drug - curious teenager on my hands, but with one arse-hole less in our life.

I have not spoken with this person afterwards, I just can't. I am too angry. He keep ringing and trying in other ways to contact me, as if nothing has happened, and thats even more scary, because for him, nothing at all has happened, for him it's perfectly OKAY to tell your friends teenage son to go out and do drugs, the more the merrier. Well fuck him.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-27T06:57:00

2009-07-27T04:56:52Z

depressions is like having a gang of swords cutting up the body over and over again. worst type of torture. and there is nothing to do to stop it. I used to try to figure out why I was feeling so shit, so worthless and so much like jumping in front of a train but at least I stopped that now, thats the best part of being diagnosed. I don't have to look for reasons anymore. I can hate myself in peace, so to speak.

I wonder what others really think of me though, these people who never call. Do they not call because they're too busy living their lives, or are they thinking that they'll call "later", or don't they think of calling at all..? Or maybe they hate me as much as I hate me.

I'll never know I guess.

I wish I was too busy, then I had that excuse, but instead ...I am just in depression land where I just can't.

And now, I am going back to work. In a way it's good, in a way I don't know if I will be of any use at all there, but at least I can go there and sit through the day. I'll be on the computer there, just as home, and the kids don't start until mid august, and the teachers start the 12th of august, so it will be super non-busy.

see you later

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-24T09:57:00

2009-07-24T07:59:09Z

a doctor from the psyciatric place finally called me just now, and told me to take more pills. wow, two weeks of torture, and she calls me up and says, oh just take a few more pills woman.

two weeks of my holiday, oh well.

I decided the other day, that I am going to beg, steal or whatever it takes, to get some money together for a holiday for me and Liam this autumn. There are charitys for people like me, single moms who can not work full time due to mental iillness. oh yay. So I will apply for money to charitys.

Me and Liam have NEVER been on a holiday where we stay in a hotel/rented flat in a place of sunshine and ocean and pool. I want that for us so much. I am going to make it happen. And I worked quite a lot extra last year, so I got a few weeks to take out. So thats what I will do. If anyone have any ideas on how I can get money together, please let me know!

Today I will leave my house. Yesterday I woke up, feeling a bit better, so I rang an old friend up, and arranged that I'd come out to her little summer house over the day. Today I regret that but I will make sure to go anyway. On monday I start to work, I need to have met at least ONE person before then.

In exactly a week, E, J and all their babies are coming here. I am nervous, because I am so out of touch with the world, and so weirded out by this depression thing. But I am more looking forward to it. Like mad. I hope the weather gets better, it's cold out now.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-22T09:49:00

2009-07-22T07:47:09Z

apart from going to the store a few times, I haven't been outside my door for over two weeks. I am desperatly lonely, so much so that I actually called the psyciatric hotline a few times, but I got absolutely nothing out of that. Everybody like my shrink etc, are on holiday, there is no one to reach.
This is the summer of despair.

I am hating myself for it.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-13T13:03:00

2009-07-13T11:03:27Z

I think I sort of gave up on life a very long time ago. I mean, all the things I used to find so much fun, like going out clubbing, sit in pubs and banter with all the other pub-goers, all that is just gone out of my life. I think I'd still would enjoy it, but it's like I don't have the guts to go out there alone anymore, and really, I have no one to go with.

It used to be that people would call me up and say, hey, lets go out! and it would keep my depression at bay.

These days, if anyone call at all, the conversation goes like: Hey, Marianne, there is this awesome party....can you please baby-sit for me/us so that I/we can go. I usually assume it is because I am so ugly/boring/fat, and in a way I understand all those people who don't want to go anywhere with me, but I am starting to feel really bitter.

Bitter about life and how it turned out. I had the same opportunities as most people I figure. I could had been liked in school as little (but I wasn't) and I could had a lot of stuff, but I didn't.

I just gave up, like with guys and sex and all sort of fun, I just gave up on it because it's just not for me I guess.

So I sit here at home, waiting for life to pass me by, and I hope it will be quicker rather than a slow going thing. I really do hope it will be quick.

ps, ellen and jem if you happen by this journal - no, it is NOT about you two going out. This is an on-going thing in my life and it is NOT your responsibility. It's not as if I suggest anything is it.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-12T13:48:00

2009-07-12T11:45:34Z

feel a bit better after I got a visit from my neice and her daugther and boyfriend. I am really terrible at calling people or going around to people instead I just isolate myself and it was lovely that they came without being invited. swedish people rarely do that.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-12T11:57:00

2009-07-12T09:54:49Z

if i don't feel any better by tomorrow, I got to do something about it, i.e call someone

this is bad bad bad, i just want to die again

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-10T09:42:00

2009-07-10T07:52:24Z

spending the day in the hospital, it's a lot of tests and stuff, all kinda things that I have to do....it's a bother in some ways but today things aren't half as bad as I thought it would be. I've fasted since ten last night, I am not allowed any drink, not even water, and thats a bit of an annoyance, but I've found the hospital library and it is FULL of great books!! It's like going in to a candy store as little....or as it has been for me all my life, like going in to a library!! :)
So, I am leaving with a tonne of books, but thats okay, I am coming back next week and the week after that etc...doing these tests take a lot of time, but no energy at all. It's quite relaxing and the staff is kind and thoughtful.
They also have computers here, in the library, that one can use for an hour or more, depending on how many people are here. I just have to hang around for more blood work after a certain amount of time. Today they poured some weird stuff down my nose!! It felt funny!! Also, every day since I got home from england, I've been away to hand my blood over to some nurse, so my arm is starting to look like a proper druggies arm. *shrugs*

Anyway, it's been not so great to be home again. I am feeling very alone, and very un-liked, but so far not anywhere near as suicidal and horrible I've been before, so maybe the drugs are working and maybe eventually I will be a person who actually picks up the phone and calls friends up instead of sitting at home feeling right sorry for myself! Now talk about improvement!

I miss Ellen as mad. She is this person whom I sometimes don't know if I deserve to have as my very closest friend. She is kind-hearted, generous, sweet and funny as hell. She also have this sharp thing, which I adore, when she just say something which makes you just jump out of your seat!
She is sooo much nicer than me, in every way of the word. (nice) She has this amazing portion of patience, I can't belive where it comes from! She must have gotten my share too! Bad God!!!

At least the rain has been pouring down like mad here, which is lovely as I don't have to feel so much as the freak (that I obviously am) for sitting in doors watching big brother...24/7 apart from the whole being in hospital thing.

Apperantly I am not getting sacked anyway. Thats always something. Although, I do need to ask my doctors for lenghty essays about me to send in to the försäkringskassa (where you get sick-pay etc from) because they are cutting me from getting sick pay, which I get each month and without it I am totally sold, my salary being way to low and well, it's not a whole lot, it doesn't even cover my rent, but I need that money. Badly. So I have to beg my doctors, not looking forward to it, got to do it though. :(

Anyway, hope everybody is too busy for reading this shite!
lots of love

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-07-06T20:47:00

2009-07-06T19:52:00Z

so, time to go home again. we're leaving tomorrow...
fortunatly, e and j and the bebbies are coming over to sweden in a few weeks, so it's not a LONG farwell this time.

The time has gone by very fast but I've had some time to think, and not thinking like I often do, in a depressive manner, but in a real manner, where I have been true to what I actually want, so thats good.

one thing I really need to start thinking about seriously is a change of job. I need to find a job which actually pay me a fair salary.

don't get me wrong, I actually do like my job a lot, but it's such a drag being this poor always I am fed up with it.

Also, I think I will clash with my boss at some point, never a good thing.

so, anyway, we're having dinner now and then I'll finish packing and sorting...I am such a messy person, I got stuff everywhere around the house and in the shed too!

the time flyes....or is it flies?

2009-06-29T19:08:47Z

I've been in england for a week already, man time goes fast!!

I was wondering today, if I should be doing stuff...you know, go out clubbing, go to the pub, visit shops and look at all sort of english stuff, but Ellen calmed me down, I really have done all that stuff before. Well, I've never been clubbing in england, it's a bit weird, as I loved and perhaps still do love, that scene in sweden. I've never had anyone to go clubbing with in england really, jem and ellen go sometimes I know but in the old days when they still lived in london, they went to clubs that wouldn't do it for me, and now days when I am here, they want to go out without me! hehe, I mean, they want a babysitter more than a club-friend. Same with pubs really! I have no problem with that, it's ...well, it's not what I think about when I think about england anyway. But I usually like to go to pubs, but this summer I have some self confidence issues which makes public places more of torture than fun. Anyway, Liam gets here tomorrow and then I better shape up some. He doesn
t think that sitting in the house day in and day out is fun, so I will do stuff together with him.
Weirdly, this time, it's been a week and I've not really met anyone that I know apart from Ellen, Jem and the kids! Kinda strange, maybe people hate me these days? Or maybe they're busy or maybe it is due to the simple fact that I haven't moved one inch since I got here. I just sit around in the garden, forcing Ellen to play cards with me. It's all I want :)

Life can be THAT simple. Just for a week or two, but really, it's heavenly.

and now, time to go.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-06-14T17:36:00

2009-06-14T15:37:24Z

one would had thought that life would feel better and easier now with all the drugs I am taking.

but today is just another shitty distusting day in my life.

I am angry and bitter.

Bitter and Angry.

And I hate myself.

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-06-11T20:25:00

2009-06-11T18:41:34Z

I am probably very lucky with the people I've met in the psyciatric care here, I seem to be the only one out of all the people I have met online who are bipolar etc, here in sweden that is, who is getting a lot of ..you know, care. I get to see my shrink once or twice a week, I have numbers to call 24/7, I am meeting my doctor once a week just for a five minutes chat, etc...
I am doing lots of blood testing all the time, and thats a bother now that I am leaving town. A real bother...I am leaving monday night ot the countryside with my mom, it's the first time in a few years that I am going there just for a holiday, a relaxed holiday hopefully. My mom is calling the doctors office in the town next to it tomorrow morning to see if I can get my blood tested there, hopefully so, otherwise I will have to go home already hmm wednesday night, and I want to stay until monday the 22nd...on the 23 I am going for more blood tests and shrink/doctor. my shrink has written a letter to bring with me to england, which I going to on the 24th, she has also sent for a EU medical card for me to bring, she is scared that I'll get worse, but in actual fact, as I keep telling her, I always feel okay or good in england. Sometimes I get those sharp sensations of pain but mainly because that I am about to leave again.
Anyway, seems like I am getting a lot of care.
Still, therapy is not my thing, and we have agreed that after an initial period of time, until I know that my meds are going to do the trick for me (today I got the news that I have to up the meds, starting tomorrow morning..) I wont have to go to regular therapy, but merely when I feel that i need it, like if I suddenly decide to give up the drugs etc, then I have to go in. I will also get to go to this group education thing, which will be good I think. I just don't like that thing about sitting in a room with a shrink alone, I feel utterly stupid.

Tonight there was a work outing. Fifteen (15!!!!!!) people have been made reduntant, so not such a happy place, and I wsa going to go, but I just can't.
I am feeling down and sad, and even though I know it's chemicals in my brain, it still doesn't feel good. I HOPE that this sort of sadness will go away with the meds working properly, and already now it is making the sadness less horrible, but tonight it is there, and I can't go and pretend to be jolly, not even for those fifteen people.

I still have lots of doubts about the diagnosis, still got lots of questions, but my mom keep telling me to accept it, and today she told me that there is a lot of people in the family with the same diagnosis, not my generation but hers and older still. I told my doctor who said, oh that explains it, as if it does, but I don't know what will otherwise.

I am single minded as fuck lately, actually all I am thinking about is that i have to remember to take my meds at the right time and that I need to try to focus my mind on you know, just getting better. It's a big deal, a huge deal for me, I don't think I could understand what a big deal it would be. It's a whole life time of this though, of having constant ups and downs without any reason, and trying to not let it show to much to others, and isolating myself in my flat and feeling ashamed of talking ot people about it.
Now it pours out. I tell people all the time, I just let people see me as vulnerable. It's scary but it's a relief in the same time.
And yet I feel as a big idiot, and a big liar, for having this much care.

I have this feeling that someone will turn around and tell me that the doctors are all wrong, that I am normal and that I shouldn't think I am special in any way. (as if this diagnosis makes me special, but still..) The one person who would say that to me, havne't spoken to me in a while, then suddenly last week she called me on the phone, said she has some clothes she found in the cellar of her house, and if I wanted it, and I said yes, sure, thanks, but I didn't tell her anything about me, I know she always think she knows more and better than anyone else, if you say you have a cold, she will tell you that you don't, and thats that. But some people are just like that. And she used to be a very good friends for many years, so I can look past that usually, but not right now.

This is too new and scary and big, I can't let anyone shit on it, because I want the meds to work and me to go to the therapy and do all the things to make myself better. And if someone tells me that it's bullshit, I will maybe think it too, and spend the rest of my life in this misery that I've been living in for soooo many years.

anyway, boring stuff

but it's an update.

m

update...of some sort

2009-06-05T13:26:24Z

the diagnosis, and the meds and the therapy I guess too, has all made me think so much about life, my life and others, about reactions and actions and about sadness and sorrow.
when do I ever know when feelings are real and right and when they are just infected by this illness...
I don't. Thats the true answer

my shrink told me the other day (I go twice a week at the moment) that I need to start thinking of myself as something very fragile, and each little word or bad nights sleep or whatnot, can make me break a little bit, and she says that for normal people they break too, a little bit, but they heal so fast, and I just don't.
I need to get some routines and thats hard work.
and I need to take my meds exactly at the tmes we've decided, at 9 am and at 9 pm.

Things happen all the time which makes me sad, I feel lonely and I would like to have people who support me in this, but right now there is no one who is up for the job, mainly because I haven't asked for it, I couldn't because it's hard...I do have one person who is trying his best, he is an old WoW friend, who also stood up for me in this latest guild drama that I had, the whole guild turned against me and I was asked to leave, and I did, I left and when I leave I really do leave, I did not want anymore contact with anyone of them, but they keep popping up on my msn, my skype, my mail, and today one of them just been telling me how pathetic I am and such a drama queen, and I say to him, well look, I got kicked out and then I just left, I haven't created any drama, I haven't even wanted any contact but they keep coming back for more. Makes me think that they're the sick ones, not me.

Also, I was speaking to my mom yesterday and she told me that my sister and her husband has been threatened by a neighbour of theirs, and they are really having a hard time, but my reaction to that was horrible, I feel bad for it now, but I felt such a joy, because karma is a bitch, and the way they treated me last summer when I needed them was so cruel, and now they can see how it feels like, and I am sure that they find it hard to spread around good vibes to the world, as they wanted me to do...

I know that I am not right in my head at the moment, if ever. I know it will take me some real hard work getting used to this new stuff, the meds and the thoughts of not knowing whats right or wrong anymore...but I will get there. I just had this feeling that it would be more direct, instead i am at home from work, feeling crap because of the side effects of the drugs, and I've said no to sleeping pills because I am SO scared that I will take them all at once. I still have no will to live

I still have no people. You know? I would like people to be here with me right now, I am feeling terribly alone.
I am thinking that when someone breaks a leg or so, people are there, helping out, but when its about whats insideyour head, it's just "see you later"...
and i know I am a moaning bitch and I can't fucking help it and i am sorry. okay?

a_lost_marianne @ 2009-05-28T09:52:00

2009-05-28T07:57:55Z

seems a bit as if everybody apart from me has seen it, I have spoken to a few people in my life and no one is even remotely surprised by the fact that I am now diagnosed and on lithium...

I thought it would be different, I thought people would go "What, you? But You're so normal, man!!" but ...it feels a bit like that day when Sean told me that he was actually seeing Eva although we were still married and Eva was my best friend (or so I thought) ..I told people, and i was in such a shock, and no one else was even surprised. It pissed me of so badly then, how everybody had known and I didn't have a clue. Now as i look back, I was so in my own little world, already back then..but always hypo, always up in the air somewhere, my head spinning of everything in the world and then a big crash and i'd come down, but just for quick visits. I didn't bring Sean with me at all, it is not so surprising that he had to go with what was more "there" i guess, although fuck them. You don't do that.

And I am not sure if I am cool about all these people telling me how they've known for years and years, but no one has actually come to me to tell me that i need to get on some meds or something.

Anyway, single minded, me? Yes, sorry. It will pass, right now I am just so wrapped around this.
I am getting a few minor side effects from the meds so far, but nothing I can't handle. I hope it wont get worse than this. I hope my mood will lift and that it will all be worth it.